HELIOGABALUS 


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HELIOGABALUS 

A  BUFFOONERY  IN  THREE  ACTS 

by  H.  L.  MENCKEN  and 
GEORGE  JEAN  NATHAN 


NEW  YORK     ALFRED  •  A  •  KNOPF      MCMXX 


COPYRIGHT,  1920,  BY 

H.  L.  MENCKEN  and 
GEORGE  JEAN  NATHAN 

All  rights  reserved,  including  that  of  translation  into  foreign 
languages,  including  the  Scandinavian. 


In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performances  of  it  may  be  given  without 
the  permission  of  the  authors  who  may  be  addressed  in  care  of 
the  publisher.  Any  piracy  or  infringement  will  be  prosecuted  in 
accordance  with  the  penalties  provided  by  the  United  States 
Statutes:  — 

SEC.  4966. —  Any  person  publicly  performing  or  representing 
any  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  for  which  copyright  has 
been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the  proprietor  of  the  said 
dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his  heirs  or  assigns,  shall  be 
liable  for  damages  therefor,  such  damages  in  all  cases  to  be 
assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less  than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the 
first  and  fifty  dollars  for  every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the 
Court  shall  appear  to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and 
representation  be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons 
shall  be  guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  be  im 
prisoned  for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year. —  U.  S.  Revised 
Statutes,  Title  60,  Chap.  3. 


FEINTED    IN    THE    UNITED    STATES    OP   AMERICA 


DRAMATIS  PERSONS 


VARIUS   AVITUS    BASSIANUS 

HELIOGABALUS: 
PAULA: 

ANNIA  FAUSTINA: 
CAELESTIS: 
AQUILIA  SEVERA: 
ALINIA: 
DACIA: 

LUCIA  THE  GALATIAN: 
SIMON  OF  CAPPADOCIA: 

CAIUS  MACRINUS: 

POLORUS: 

PISO: 

RUFINIUS: 

HECATUS: 

CORNELIA  METELLi: 
LUCIUS  MACEDONICUS: 


Emperor  of  Rome. 
His  senior  wife. 


Junior  wives. 


A  Christian  maiden. 

A  Christian  clergyman. 

Commander  of  the  West 
ern  fleet. 

A  physician. 

A  physician. 

Major-domo  to  HELIO 
GABALUS. 

A  Greek. 

A  public  woman. 

A  pickpocket. 


Army  Officers,  Imperial  Guards,  Additional  Wives  of 
the  Emperor,  Dancing  Girls,  Slaves,  etc. 


M45260 


ACT       I :     The  atrium  in  the  imperial  palace.     The 
night  before  New  Year's  Day,  A.D.  221. 

ACT     II:     The  imperial  bed-chamber.     Toward  the 
middle  of  the  year  221. 

ACT  III:     Antechamber  and  banquet  hall  in  the  pal 
ace.     The  evening  of  the  following  day. 


ACT  I 


ACT  I  ;:        %  . 

The  atrium  in  the  imperial  palace  on  the  Palatine 
Hill.  A  splendid  and  even  gorgeous  apartment,  per 
haps  fifty  feet  long  and  twenty  broad.  The  spectator 
views  it  from  one  side,  and  one  of  the  longitudinal 
walls  thus  constitutes  the  background.  At  the  left  of 
the  spectator  is  the  arched  doorway  that  leads  into  the 
ostium,  or  entrance  hallway.  At  the  right  are  two 
doors  giving  into  the  peristyle,  or  garden.  In  the 
back  are  doors  opening  upon  various  apartments, 
among  them,  a  small  triclinium  or  banquet-room. 

The  atrium  has  walls  of  Cipilino  marble,  and  there 
are  ornate  pillars  supporting  each  door-frame.  In 
the  centre  of  the  floor  is  a  small  pool,  perhaps  six  by 
eight  feet,  and  flush  with  the  floor.  Above  it,  in  the 
ceiling,  is  a  skylight  with  movable  bronze  sashes,  and 
gaudy  silk  blinds  beneath.  Despite  the  architectural 
magnificence  of  the  apartment,  its  furniture,  to  mod 
ern  eyes,  seems  meagre.  To  the  spectator  s  right,  be 
tween  the  garden  doors,  there  is  a  solium — a  high, 
stiff,  ungainly  chair,  very  wide,  and  upholstered  in 
imperial  purple,  i.e.,  a  colour  rather  like  the  crimson 
of  today.  In  front  of  the  solium  stands  a  very  ornate 
mensa,  or  table,  with  a  few  backless  stools.  There  is 

nothing  more.     Light  is  furnished  by  Roman  lamps 

11 


12 HELIOGABALUS  [Acx  I 

on  very  tall  candelabra.  The  moon  filters  through 
the  skylight. 

It  is  the  night  before  New  Year's  Day  of  the  year 
221  A.D. 

.-•As  the  Curtain  rises,  HELIOGABALUS'  atriensis,  or 
major-domo,  RUFINIUS  by  name,  ushers  in  the  two  phy 
sicians,  PISO  and  POLORUS.  RUFINIUS  1*5  a  stout  Gaul 
with  a  full  red  beard.  He  wears,  of  course,  no  toga, 
but  there  are  chevrons  of  imperial  purple  on  the  short 
left  sleeve  of  his  tunic.  PISO  and  POLORUS  wear  the 
paenula — a  long,  plain  cape,  with  a  Jwod  not  unlike 
a  monk's  cowl.  PISO'S  paenula  is  black,  but  PO 
LORUS'  shows  the  florid  colours  of  a  modern  bath 
robe.  PISO  is  an  old  man  and  wears  a  long  white 
beard;  POLORUS  is  younger  and  wears  his  clipped,  al 
most  in  the  Van  Dyke  manner. 

RUFINIUS,  as  soon  as  the  two  doctors  have  come  to 
anchor  by  the  pool,  offers  them  a  salver  on  which 
stand  two  goblets  of  wine  and  a  dish  of  peanuts. 

RUFINIUS 

The  Emperor  will  be  out  presently.  The  banquet 
is  just  ending. 

[From  within   comes   the  sound  of  half-hearted 
mirth.'] 

PISO 
[Reaching  for  one  of  the  goblets']     Very  thought- 


ACT  I]  HELIOGABALUS 13 

ful  of  you,  Rufinius:  I  need  it.     I  was  up  all  night 
with  a  confinement  case. 

POLORUS 

[Somewhat  sniffishly]  Yes,  my  dear  Doctor  Piso, 
they  are  very  tiresome.  I'm  glad  I've  been  able  to 
give  them  up. 

PISO 

[Waspishly]  Give  them  up?  /,  Doctor  Polorus, 
I  never  give  them  up !  I  pull  them  through. 

POLORUS 

[Rather  floored;  apologetically]  I  don't  mean 
patients;  I  mean  cases. 

PISO 

[Put  into  good  humour  by  the  success  of  his  re- 
partee]  But  /  mean  neither  patients  nor  cases;  I 
mean  husbands. 

POLORUS 

[Amiably,  trying  to  make  peace]  I  suppose  he 
was  drunk,  as  usual. 

PISO 

Drunk?  His  very  tears  smelt  like  toddy.  You 
could  scarcely  call  him  a  husband  in  alcohol.  He  was 
an  alcoholic  extract  of  husband. 


14 HELIOGABALUS  [Acx  I 

POLORUS 

It's  astounding  how  much  they  get  down  when  such 
things  are  going  on  in  the  house. 

PISO 

Yes,  and  the  tighter  they  get,  the  more  they  want  to 
kiss  the  baby.  And  if  you  let  them  do  it,  then  you 
have  two  cases  of  delirium  tremens  on  your  hands — 
father  and  child.  And  the  mother  raising  hell. 

[Sounds  of  feeble,  somewhat  laborious  mirth  come 
from  the  banquet-room] 

POLORUS 

What  do  you  think  of — ?  [Nodding  toward  the 
banquet-room] 

[PISO  takes  a  handful  of  peanuts  and  munches 
them  during  the  following,  now  and  then  biting 
into  a  bad  one  and  spitting  it  into  the  pool] 

PISO 
What  is  your  idea? 

POLORUS 

It  looks  simple.     I  say  diabetes. 

PISO 
Why? 

POLORUS 

Well,  for  one  thing,  he's  always  so  thirsty.  Then, 
his  legs  are  beginning  to  trouble  him.  Thirdly — 


ACT  I]  HELIOGABALUS 15 

PISO 

Nonsense!  He  was  born  with  that  thirst.  As  for 
his  legs,  they  are  simply  overworked.  The  human 
leg  was  designed  to  carry  a  man,  and  nothing  more. 
Add  his  clothes,  his  conscience,  his  artillery,  and  his 
jewelry,  and  then  pile  on  a  barrel  of  wine  or  so  every 
day,  and  it  begins  to  lose  confidence  in  itself. 

POLORUS 
The  Empress  Paula  tells  me — 

PISO 

Yes,  I  know  all  about  the  patent  medicines  he's 
swallowed  and  the  quacks  he's  had  here.  There  was 
that  Syrian,  for  instance.  He  prescribed  water- 
drinking. 

POLORUS 

She  says  he  couldn't  keep  it  on  his  stomach. 

PISO 

No  wonder!  I  daresay  his  stomach  wondered  what 
it  was. 

POLORUS 

What  do  you  think  of  proposing? 

PISO 

Nothing  could  be  simpler.  If  this  were  an  ordi 
nary  man,  say  you  or  that  fat  poinsettia  over  there, 
[indicating  RUFINIUS]  I'd  simply  put  him  to  bed,  give 
him  a  good  big  dose  of  castor  oil,  and  then  send  in 


16 HELIOGABALUS  [Acx  I 

my  bill.  Maybe  I'd  add  a  mustard  plaster,  and  a 
gargle  in  the  morning.  The  next  day,  repeat  the 
dose.  And  so  on. 

PISO 
[Uneasily]     But  surely  you're  not  going  to — ? 

POLORUS 

[Horrified]  What!  Prescribe  castor  oil  for  an 
emperor?  The  gods  forbid!  Where  are  your  pro 
fessional  ethics?  Besides,  I've  been  in  jail,  and  don't 
like  it.  And  when  I  think  of  lions  in  the  arena  gum 
ming  this  old  epidermis — ! 

[PAULA  enters  from  the  peristyle,  and  the  two  phy 
sicians,  catching  sight  of  her  at  once}  make  low 
bows] 

PISO   AND    POLORUS 

Majesty! 

PAULA 

[To  PISO,  gushingly]  Oh,  doctor,  I  am  so  glad  to 
see  you!  I  have  been  so  worried! 

PISO 

[In  his  best  manner]  Be  calm!  This —  [indi 
cating  POLORUS]  is  Dr.  Polorus,  my —  [maliciously] 
assistant.  Doctor,  you  are  honoured  by  the  notice  of 
the  Empress  Paula. 

PAULA 

[Buttonholing  PISO  tragically]     I  surely  hope  you 


ACT  I]  H  E  L  I  0  G  A  B  A  L  U  S  17 

gentlemen  can  do  something  for  the  poor  Emperor. 
You  can't  imagine  what  I  have  gone  through.  I  think 
he's  getting  worse  all  the  time.  And  those  awful 
quacks  he  has  had! 

PISO 

Yes,  I  have  heard.     It's  common  gossip. 

PAULA 

One  of  them  put  him  on  water!  Like  a  horse! 
[It  gradually  becomes  evident  that  PAULA,  who  is 
about  37  and  rather  chunky,  is  somewhat  alcoholized 
and  inclined  to  weep]  I  thought  he  would  die  the 
first  night.  I  was  up  the  whole  night.  I  wouldn't 
let  any  of  the  other  ladies  touch  him.  I  suffered  ter- 
ribly. 

[Succumbing  to  the  martyr  complex,  she  sobs 
boozily  on  PISO'S  shoulder] 

PISO 

[With  professional  tact]  And  what  seemed  to  be 
the  symptoms? 

PAULA 

Just  grief,  I  guess.  The  love  of  a  pure  woman.  I 
still  feel  very  faint. 

POLORUS 
Perhaps  a  goblet  of  wine — 

PAULA 

[Promptly  motioning  to  RUFINIUS]     And  you,  too. 


18  HELIOGABALUS [Acx  I 

Pardon  me  for  forgetting.     I  am  all  worn  out.     You 
doctors  have  to  be  up  all  night,  and — 

PISO 

[Reaching  for  his  goblet]     People   simply   will 
send  for  one.     I  seldom  get  out  of  my  clothes. 
[The  three  drink] 

POLORUS 

And  you  were  saying  that  the  Emperor — 

PAULA 

Doctor,  you'd  hardly  believe  it.  He's  so  changed 
I  hardly  know  him — always  complaining  about  his 
stomach-aches,  and  taking  pills  and  things.  You 
know  how  lively  he  used  to  be — always  up  to  some 
pleasantry.  Why,  even  when  we  had  a  quiet  dinner 
here  at  home — just  him  and  me  and  the  other  girls — 
he'd  have  in  one  of  those  dancers  from  Mesopotamia, 
and  make  him  dance  on  a  red-hot  stove.  Always 
something  jolly.  And  how  he  would  laugh  and  cut 
up!  But  now  look  at  him!  Even  this  New  Year's 
Eve  banquet  is  like  a  funeral.  Think  of  it!  He 
wouldn't  let  me  go  to  it — and  I've  been  sitting  beside 
him  at  banquets  for — well,  ever  since  I  was  almost 
a  child.  And  all  the  other  girls  barred  out,  too — 
all  except  Dacia. 

PISO 
[Professionally]     Too  bad,  too  bad! 


ACT  I] HELIOGABALUS  19 

PAULA 

I  say  nothing  against  Dacia — not  a  word.  She  is  a 
very  nice  girl.  I  was  glad  to  see  him  marry  her — 
that  is,  if  he  had  to  marry  anybody.  I  thought  he 
had  wives  enough.  You  can  imagine  what  trouble  it 
makes  for  me.  But  you  don't  want  to  hear  my  af 
flictions. 

POLORUS 

Your  Majesty  was  saying  that  the  Emperor  is  de 
pressed. 

PAULA 

Depressed?  You'd  think  he  had  on  damp  under 
clothes!  And  he  keeps  on  sending  for  those  quacks 
— even  those  crazy  dervishes  and  religious  healers 
from  Asia. 

PISO 

Religion?     Aha!     Mental  symptoms! 

PAULA 

Why,  yesterday  I  hear  he  actually  had  in  one  of 
those  awful  Jews — Christians,  some  of  them  now  call 
themselves — the  kind  they  burn  at  the  circus. 

PISO 

Riff-raff!  They  actually  say  they  can  cure  a  sick 
man  without  medicine.  [To  POLORUS]  Your  par 
don,  Doctor. 

POLORUS 
No  offence  at  all,  I  assure  you.     My  family  is  from 


20 HELIOGABALUS  [AcT  I 

Spain — Mendoza   was    the   family   name.     I    loathe 
these  kikes  as  much  as  you  do. 

PAULA 

[Continuing]  So  I  sent  for  you  doctors.  I  hear 
you  do  wonders.  But  you  must  be  careful.  No  feel 
ing  of  pulses  or  sticking  out  of  tongues.  Just  say 
you  have  heard  he  is  feeling  poorly,  and  have  dropped 
in  as  a  matter  of  patriotism.  Don't  tell  him  I  sent 
for  you.  He'll  be  here  in  a  few  moments,  as  soon  as 
the  banquet  [she  sniffs  sarcastically]  is  over.  You'll 
see  how  sick  he  is  the  moment  he  comes  in. 

POLORUS 

And  as  for  the  symptoms,  Majesty:  you  say  he 
complains  of— 

[His  speech  is  cut  short  by  the  entrance  of  a  guest 
who  comes  from  the  triclinium  supported  by  two 
slaves.  He  is  very  drunk  and  they  drop  him 
beside  the  pool  and  proceed  to  bathe  his  face] 

PAULA 

Oh,  the  poor  man!  Something  has  disagreed  with 
him. 

PISO 
Who  is  the  gentleman? 

PAULA 

I  don't  know  him.     I  think  he  is  one  of  the  generals 


ACT  I]  HELIOGABALUS 21 

from  the  colonies.      [To  one  of  the  slaves]     Who  is 
he? 

THE    SLAVE 

Caius    Macrinus,    Majesty.     Commander    of    the 
Western  Fleet. 

PISO 

Ah,  a  naval  officer!      [To  the  slave]      Is  he  taken 
this  way  often? 

THE    SLAVE 

[Idiotically]      Only  when  he  drinks. 
POLORUS 

I  think  it  may  be  fits.     Let's  take  a  look  at  him. 

PAULA 
Shall  I  order  some  wine? 

PISO 

No.     That  is,  not  for  the  patient. 

[As  RUFINIUS  makes  for  the  goblets,  PISO  and 
POLORUS  approach  CAIUS  and  shoulder  the  slaves 
away.  CAIUS  collapses  at  the  edge  of  the  pool, 
and  before  PISO,  who  is  aged  and  stiff,  can  grab 
his  end,  slides  into  the  water,  and  out  of  PO- 
LORUS'S  hands.  The  slaves  jump  in  after  him 
and  drag  him  ashore,  and  the  two  doctors  pro 
ceed  to  revive  him] 

POLORUS 
Grab  his  arm  and  pump  it  up  and  down! 


22 HELIOGABALUS  [ACT  I 

PISO 

What  do  you  take  me  for,  a  milk-maid?     I  am  a 
physician! 

POLORUS 
I  thought  we'd  try  some  artificial  respiration. 

PISO 

Artificial  respiration  your  grandmother!     Slap  him 
on  the  back:  that'll  fetch  him. 

POLORUS 

Yes,  and  give  him  pneumonia. 

PISO  ; 

Pneumonia,   flapdoodle!     A   drunken  man   never 
gets  pneumonia! 

POLORUS  i 

Since  when? 

PISO 
Since  the  time  of  Romulus  and  Remus. 

POLORUS 
Well,  /  have  seen  it. 

PISO 

You  thought  you  saw  it.     The  patient  probably  had 
cholera.     Or  maybe  a  fractured  skull. 

POLORUS 
[Sarcastically]     Palm- reader! 


ACT   I]        HELIOGABALUS 23 

PISO 
{With  equal  sarcasm]     Barber! 

PAULA 
[Brightly]      Why  not  roll  him  on  a  barrel? 

POLORUS 

Too  late!  He's  getting  over  it.  Besides,  [indi 
cating  the  banquet  room]  what  barrels  there  are,  are 
in  there. 

[CAIUS  sits  up  and  gazes  about  him  weakly.  Catch 
ing  sight  of  PAULA,  he  waves  his  hand  at  her 
feebly.  He  has  forgotten  where  he  is,  and 
doesnt  know  that  she  is  the  Empress] 

CAIUS 

[Thickly]  Ah  there,  fair  one!  How  about  a  lit 
tle  drink! 

PISO 
[Horrified]     Sacrilege ! 

PAULA 

[Flattered  by  his  apparent  admiration]  Oh,  let 
the  poor  commander  alone.  He's  feeling  badly. 
[She  approaches  him,  with  a  goblet]  There,  that 
will  make  you  better. 

CAIUS 

I  remember  you,  little  peppermint,  but  I  can't  place 
you.  Didn't  we  meet  in — Alexandria? 


24 HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

PAULA 

[Sympathetically]     Oh,    don't  worry   your   poor 
head. 

CAIUS 

It    doesn't    worry    me.     I    remember    you    now. 
What's  become  of  that  little  dark  girl? 

PISO 

[In  alarm]     The  Commander  seems  to  be  flighty. 
He  imagines  he's  in  a — er,  a  private  house. 

RUFINIUS 

[Taking  charge  of  the  situation]      I'd  better  help 
him  out. 

[He  grabs  CAIUS,  and  with  the  two  slaves,  begins 
leading  him  out] 

CAIUS 

[Drunkenly]     But  I  haven't  paid  for  the  drink! 
Let  me  pay  for  the  drink!     I  insist  upon  paying  for 
the  drink!     I — 
[Exeunt] 

POLORUS 
Delirium! 

PAULA 

[Virtuously]     I  can't  imagine  what  he  was  talking 
about. 

PISO 

Oh,  I  have  seen  thousands  of  such  cases.     Most 
doctors  make  the  mistake  of — 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  25 

[He  is  cut  short  by  an  uproar  in  the  triclinium. 
Trumpets  sound.  Suddenly  three  slaves  appear 
at  the  door,  crying  "The  Emperor!"  PAULA  at 
once  prepares  to  depart] 

PAULA 

[To  the  doctors]  Remember.  Very  careful! 
Don't  ask  him  to  stick  out  his  tongue! 

[As  PAULA  slinks  into  the  peristyle,  HELIOGABALUS 
enters  from  the  triclinium,  with  DACIA  on  his  arm. 
He  is  tall,  sallow  and  apparently  somewhat  liq 
uored;  his  bad  humour  is  obvious.  He  stalks 
across  the  stage  to  the  solium  without  a  word, 
hands  up  DACIA,  and  takes  his  seat  beside  her  with 
a  scowl.  He  wears  a  magnificent  toga  of  impe 
rial  purple,  with  a  wide  band  of  cloth-of-gold  at 
the  bottom.  He  carries  a  small  baton,  with  a  gi 
gantic  ruby  at  one  end.  He  is  bareheaded 

[DACIA  is  a  very  pretty  blonde  of,  say,  nineteen. 
It  is  plain  that  she  admires  HELIOGABALUS  vastly, 
but  there  is  a  touch  of  awe  in  her  admiration,  and 
it  gives  her  a  bit  of  stage-fright  to  be  with  him> 
as  here.  She  is  dressed  in  the  white  garment  of 
a  Roman  matron 

[Following  the  two  come  several  slaves,  and  two  or 
three  army  officers.  The  latter  have  been  guests 
at  the  banquet  and  are  more  or  less  tight 

[HELIOGABALUS,  seated  upon  the  solium,  claps  his 
hand  to  his  tummy  and  turns  to  DACIA] 


26 HELIOGABALUS       [ACT   I 

HELIOGABALUS 

There  it  is  again — that  grinding  pain. 
DACIA 

I'm  50  sorry,  dear.     Shall  I  send  for  something? 

HELIOGABALUS 

The  oyster-soup,  I  dessay.  [DACIA  pats  his  arm] 
Or  the  speeches. 

[He  dismisses  the  subject  and  sweeps  the  atrium 
with  his  eye.  It  alights  upon  the  two  doctors, 
who  immediately  drop  to  their  knees] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Irascibly']  So  there  you  are!  Get  up!  [They 
arise]  Well,  what  are  you  doing  in  the  Night  Court? 

PISO 

May  it  please  your  Majesty,  the  thought  occurred 
to  us  that  it  would  be  a  favourable  moment  for — pay 
ing  our  respects. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Aha,  the  crows  smell  the  carrion!  So  you  heard 
that  I  was  ill? 

PISO 

Not  exactly  ill,  Majesty,  but — well,  one  might  say 
slightly  indisposed. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Indisposed?  A  sweet  word.  Then  a  man  who  has 
had  his  head  cut  off  is  suffering  from  tonsilitis.  [Hy- 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  27 

pochondriacly]      I  tell  you  my  stomach  has  all  gone 
to  pieces.     I  can  hardly  digest  the  blush  on  a  peach. 

PISO 

Your  Majesty  describes  the  symptoms  very  trench 
antly.  Half  the  doctor's  work  is  done  for  him. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  haven't  mentioned  a  damned  symptom,  you  scurvy 
old  body-snatcher.  If  I  began  to  tell  you  all  my 
symptoms  I'd  talk  your  ear  off. 

POLORUS 

Perhaps  your  Majesty  will  favour  us  with,  say  a 
specimen  or  two. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  hesitates,  but  finally  thinks  well  of  the  sugges 
tion]  Well,  if  you  are  interested  ....  For  exam 
ple,  what  would  you  say  of  a  sort  of  peculiar  buzzing 
sensation  at  the  pit  of  the  stomach,  an  hour  after 
meals?  [He  makes  elaborate  circular  motions  with 
his  fist]  And  then  a  sour  head-ache,  with  peculiar 
flashes  of  light  before  the  eyes?  Sometimes  white; 
sometimes  red;  sometimes  a  sort  of  greenish  purple, 
or  pinkish  yellow,  or  bluish — 

[He  halts  lugubriously] 

POLORUS 

[Judicially  and  with  a  profound  frown]  I  should 
call  it  hyperacidity. 


28  HELIOGABALUS       [Aci   I 

PISO 

[Derisively]  What!  Hyperacidity?  Then 
where  is  your  heart-burn? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Interrupting]  Sir,  I  said  nothing  of  any  heart 
burn. 

PISO 
Precisely.     My  learned  friend  here  simply — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Petulantly]  See  here,  who's  sick,  you  or  I?  I 
tell  you  about  stomach-ache,  and  you  begin  talking  of 
heart-burn. 

POLORUS 

[Virtuously]     I  didn't  mention  it,  Majesty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  it's  lucky  for  you  that  you  didn't  mention  it, 
Majesty!  What  is  your  guess? 

POLORUS 

/  say  hyperacidity. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  that  was  your  first  guess.  Now  what  is  your 
second? 

POLORUS 
Cholelithiasis. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  then?     What  is  number  three? 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  29 

POLORUS 

Nervous  dyspepsia. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  a  sepulchral  voice,  gradually  working  himself 
into  a  rage]  And  which  one  do  you  favour  for  the 
death-certificate  ? 

POLORUS 
[Horrified]      Surely  Your  Majesty  is  joking! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Now  thoroughly  enraged,  he  leaps  down  from  the 
solium  and  proceeds  toward  POLORUS  like  a  lion  stalk 
ing  a  deer]  Joking?  Is  a  coroner's  inquest  a  joke? 
Is  an  autopsy  a  joke?  [He  explodes  with  wrath  and 
bawls  for  the  guard]  Out  with  the  jackass!  Shove 
him  into  tier  two  and  fatten  him  for  the  leopards! 
Out  with  him! 

[POLORUS  is  hustled  out,  loudly  protesting.  PISO 
attempts  a  discreet  sneak,  but  HELIOGABALUS  de 
tects  it] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Grab  the  old  one !     Duck  him  in  the  pool! 
[The  slaves  grab  poor  PISO  and  throw  him  in.     He 
comes  up  instantly  and  tries  to  scramble  out] 

PISO 
[Sputtering]     Injustice !     Injustice ! 


30  HELIOGABALUS       [AcxI 

HELIOGABALUS 

Again! 

[They  duck  him] 

PISO 

[Coming  up  again]  I  confess!  Let  me  out!  I 
admit  everything! 

[  The  slaves  haul  him  out.     He  shakes  himself  like 
a  wet  dog] 

HELIOGABALUS 
Now  throw  him  out. 
[They  proceed  to  do  it] 

PISO 

Where  is  my  stethoscope?     I  lost  my  stethoscope! 
I  want  my  stetho — 
[Exit] 

DACIA 

[Sweetly,  as  HELIOGABALUS  returns  to  the  soliurn 
and  wearily  reseats  himself]  You  excite  yourself, 
dear.  [She  caresses  him  as  if  he  were  a  troubled 
child,  but  a  bit  timorously]  You  should  be  calmer. 
That  old  quack  isn't  worth— 

HELIOGABALUS 

Calm?  How  can  I  he  calm  with  that  dog-fight  going 
on  in  my  tummy?  My  sweet  birdie,  you  underestimate 
the  effects  of  matter  on  mind.  I  ought  to  have  kissed 
you  an  hour  ago.  It  was  my  duty.  Moreover,  I  in 
clined  to  it — the  thought  presented  itself  to  me.  But 
just  then  I  was  seized.  I  love  you — but  I  am  sick. 


ACT    I]        11  KLIOG  ABALUS  31 

DACIA 

[Sentimentally]     If  you  love  me,  I  am  happy. 

HELIOGABALUS 

So  am  I — theoretically.     But  this—  [He  rubs 

his  front  sadly.  Tfien  lie  suddenly  pulls  himself  to 
gether.  To  the  assemblage]  Let  us  proceed  to  busi 
ness.  What  is  the  first  case? 

[A  slave  comes  forward  with  a  scroll  and  writing 
materials  and  takes  his  place  at  the  ornate  table. 
He  is  the  Clerk  of  the  Night  Court.  Two  armed 
guards  stand  to  either  side  of  him.  The  follow 
ing  scene  is  played  very  quickly] 

THE    CLERK 

Hecatus;  27  years  old;  attempted  burglary. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Hecatus?     Is  he  a  Greek? 

THE    CLERK 

Yes,  your  Majesty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Then  don't  bother   to  bring  him   in.     Have   him 
thrown  into  the  Tiber  at  once.     Next  case. 

THE    CLERK 
Cornelia  Metelli;  20  years  old;  soliciting. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Bring  her  in. 


32 HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

[The  guard  hauls  in  a  bedraggled  old  wench,  fully 
45} 

CORNELIA 

[Beginning  to  protest  from  the  moment  she  enters 
the  door]  Your  Majesty,  I  give  you  my  word  I  never 
done  anything  whatsoever  at  all.  I  was  just  walking 
down  the  street,  going  to  meet  a  friend,  when  that 
policeman  come  up  and — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Stop  lying,  my  dear.  I  remember  you  very  well. 
The  last  time,  you  held  up  a  drunken  pall-bearer  on 
his  way  home  from  a  funeral. 

CORNELIA 

Your  Majesty,  you  have  got  me  mixed  up  with  some 
other  lady.  I  give  you  my  word  I  never — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Silence!     Now  let's  be  friends.     How  is  trade? 

CORNELIA 

Your  Majesty,  you  do  me  wrong,  I  assure — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  now,  are  we  going  to  be  friends,  or  do  you 
want  me  to  send  you  up  at  once? 

CORNELIA 

Don't  send  me  up  again! 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS 33 

HELIOGABALUS 

Then  answer  my  polite  question.  I  asked  you 
"How  is  trade?"  I  take  it  that  it's  not  as  good  as  it 
used  to  be.  [CORNELIA  begins  to  sniffle]  I  suppose 
the  night  has  to  be  very  dark  for  you  to  be — insulted. 
Or  the  stranger  very  soused. 

CORNELIA 
A  poor  girl  ain't  got  a  chance,  Majesty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Not  after  forty-five.  Or  fifty.  [To  the  assem 
blage  in  general]  Consider,  gentlemen,  the  sad  fate 
of  this  poor  working  girl.  Think  of  her  days  of  hope, 
of  happiness.  Of  success.  Think  of  the  men  she 
has  charmed!  Think  of  the  old,  sad  romance  of  her 
betrayal!  I  dare  say  it  was  some  gladiator,  or  an 
actor.  Ah,  the  misery  of  the  years!  And  now  con 
template  her  beauty  in  its  decay:  the  night  must  be 
very  dark,  or  the  stranger  very  soused.  Observe  that 
sepulchral  wreck  of  what  once  was  a  human  face. 
[CORNELIA  sobs]  No,  my  baby,  I  shall  not  send  you 
up.  Instead  I  am  going  to  do  something  for  you. 
Day  chases  day:  you  need  a  comfortable  home.  I  ap 
point  you  a  Vestal  Virgin. 

CORNELIA 
[In  horror]      Oh,  my  God!      Oh,  your  Majesty! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Sheriff,  do  your  duty!  [The  guard  drags  her  out, 
protesting  raucously]  Next  case! 


34 HELIQGABALUS       [ACT   I 

THE    CLERK 

Lucius  Macedonicus;  aged  30;  picking  pockets. 
[The  prisoner  is  brought  in] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Guilty  or  not  guilty? 

THE    PRISONER 

Not  guilty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

That  is  to  say,  guilty. 

THE    PRISONER 

Believe  me,  your  Majesty,  I  wouldn't  lie  to — 

HELIOGABALUS 
[To  the  clerk]      How  many  terms  has  he  served? 

THE    CLERK 

Twenty-seven,  your  Majesty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  begin  to  doubt  the  efficacy  of  the  modern  jail 
system.  Let  me  think.  [He  meditates]  The  sheriff 
is  ordered  to  take  the  prisoner  to  the  place  of  execu 
tion [The  prisoner  yells,  but  is  silenced  by  the 

guard,  and  HELIOGABALUS  goes  on] and  there  chop 

off  the  index  finger  of  his  right  hand — with  one  clean 
blow  of  a  well-honed  sword — no  amateurish  butcher 


ing. 


THE    CLERK 

Any  further  command? 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS 35 

HELIOGABALUS 

On  his  recovery,  he  is  to  be  given  a  place  on  the 
police  force. 

THE    CLERK 

[In  surprise]     The  police  force? 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  said  the  police  force.  A  pickpocket  with  the 
index  finger  of  his  right  hand  gone  is  harmless.  And 
so  is  a  policeman.  Call  the  next  case. 

[The  prisoner  is  hustled  out] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Calling  after]  Bring  me  the  finger,  Sheriff.  I 
admire  it.  [To  the  Clerk]  What  is  the  next  case? 

THE    CLERK 

Lucia  the  Galatian,  alias  Lucia  the  Christian;  aged 
21;  blasphemy  and  inciting  to  riot.  One  of  the  soap 
box  cases,  your  Majesty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Bring  her  in. 

[LUCIA  is  brought  in  by  the  guard.  She  wears  a\ 
simple  white  stola,  the  common  dress  of  Roman 
women,  with  a  cross  embroidered  in  front.  She 
is  very  pretty,  and  HELIOGABALUS  shows  imme-> 
diate  signs  that  he  has  duly  observed  the  fact. 
He  settles  his  toga,  wets  his  finger,  smoothes  his 
eyebrows,  and  assumes  a  mixture  of  amiable 


36  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

smile  and  judicial  frown.     LUCIA  folds  her  arms 
and  is  silent] 

DACIA 
[To  HELIOGABALUS]     She  is  very  pretty. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Heavily]     Oh,  yes — in  a  sense. 

DACIA 

It's  a  pity  to  see  such  a  pretty  girl  in  the  hands  of 
the  police. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Grasping  at  the  idea]  A  pity?  It's  revolting! 
Darling,  it  shocks  me  to  expose  you  to  such  a  spectacle. 
I  really  can't  permit  it.  My  conscience  would  never 
let  up  on  me. 

DACIA 

But- 

HELIOGABALUS 

Exactly.  Wifely  duty,  and  all  that.  I  understand. 
You  love  me.  But  I  can't  permit  it,  really.  More 
over,  it  is  getting  very  late.  You  must  have  your  rest. 
[He  rises]  My  arm. 

DACIA 

I  am  not  sleepy  at  all,  dear. 

HELIOGABALUS 

See.  It  has  begun  already!  Insomnia  from  late 
hours.  That's  the  way  7  began.  I  promised  your 
father  to  take  care  of  you,  to  cherish  you,  to 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  37 

DACIA 

But— 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  positively  refuse  to  let  you  sacrifice  yourself.  I 
hadn't  noticed  the  time.  Now,  my  dear.  [He  offers 
his  arm,  and  she  dutifully  takes  it,  though  with  obvious 
reluctance.  They  step  down  from  the  solium  and  pro 
ceed  to  the  door  of  the  peristyle.  At  the  door]  You 
have  been  getting  paler  and  paler  for  an  hour.  I 
noticed  it  but  didn't  say  anything.  Now  right  to  bed, 
my  little  ginger  snap.  Don't  forget  that  Heliogabalus 
loves  you.  [He  gives  her  a  peck  of  a  kiss]  I'll  be 
with  you  anon. 

[She  goes  out  without  a  word.  Immediately  the 
door  closes  behind  her,  HELIOGABALUS  makes  his 
way  back  to  the  solium  with  noticeable  haste. 
First  he  takes  a  precautionary  look  over  his 
shoulder  at  the  door;  then  he  devotes  himself  to 
a  long  gaze  at  LUCIA] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Genially]     So  this  is  Lucia! 

LUCIA 

[Oratorically]  The  peace  of  the  Lord  be  with  you, 
Caesar!  I  am  not  afraid. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  surely  not.  I  had  no  thought  of  harming  you, 
my  dear. 


38 HELIOGABALUS       [Acx    I 

LUCIA 

Ye  who  live  by  the  sword  shall  perish  by  the  sword. 
It  is  so  written. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Perhaps  you  are  right.  But  why  did  you  kick  up 
this  disturbance  on  the  street? 

LUCIA 

I  made  no  disturbance,  Caesar.  I  obeyed  the  com 
mand.  I  preached  the  Son  of  God. 

HELIOGABALUS 

God?     Which  God? 

LUCIA 

The  One  God. 

HELIOGABALUS 

So  there  is  only  one  now?  I  heard  the  rumour  only 
last  week.  But  why  get  excited  about  it?  Why  stir 
up  those  poor  country  yokels  at  the  market,  and  give 
the  policemen  trouble? 

LUCIA 

I  came  to  preach  the  Word.  I  came  to  bring  peace. 
Aye,  even  peace  to  you,  Caesar; — with  the  sin  and 
blood  upon  your  hands. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  the  clerk]     Mr.  Clerk,  the  defendant  is  in  the 
shadow.     Can't  we  move  the  lamps  a  bit? 
[The  clerk  moves  them  experimentally] 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  39 

HELIOGABALUS 

So;  an  inch  or  so  to  the  left.  That's  better.  [To 
LUCIA]  And  now,  my  dear,  about  this  blood  upon  my 
hands.  Surely  you  have  confused  me  with  some  one 
else.  I  am  never  violent. 

LUCIA 

It  was  by  your  decree  that  they  died — burned  alive, 
torn  to  pieces  by  wild  beasts,  butchered  by  gladiators 
— five  hundred  souls. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh-h,  you  mean  those — what  do  you  call  them?— 
Christians!  Well,  surely  you  are  not  complaining  of 
that.  All  that  is  a  mere  matter  of  administrative  rou 
tine.  They  practise  magic;  they  claim  to  be  able  to 
heal  the  sick,  even  to  raise  the  dead.  The  law  is  the 
law. 

LUCIA 

It  is  their  faith  that  gives  life;  it  is  their  faith  that 
heals.  And  that  faith  [touching  her  heart]  is  here. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  the  clerk]  I'll  have  to  trouble  you  about  the 
lights  again.  Bring  that  big  lamp  nearer  to  the  pris 
oner.  The  rest  of  you  stand  back. 

[  The  clerk  so  places  the  light  that  LUCIA'S  face  is  in 
the  full  glare  of  it.  HELIOGABALUS  views  her 
with  obvious  and  prolonged  admiration] 


40  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thank  you;  now  I  can  hear  her  better.  [To  LUCIA] 
And  you  were  saying,  my  dear? 

LUCIA 

[Striking  her  heart  again]  My  faith  is  here.  The 
truth  is  here.  The  power  of  the  spirit  is  here. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  so  far,  so  good.  But  surely  you  don't  claim 
to  be  a  magician  like  those  other  Christians.  A 
pretty  girl  like  you!  , 

LUCIA 

There  is  no  magic!     There  is  only  the  spirit. 

HELIOGABALUS 

But,  my  dear!  What  has  the  spirit  to  do  with  the 
belly-ache?  How  can  the  spirit  help  a  man  when  he 
is  doubled  up?  What  could  it  do  for  me? 

LUCIA 

Even  you,  Caesar.  Even  you  are  not  beyond  the 
grace  of  the  Lord. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Growing  more  interested]  Do  you  mean  to  say 
that  I  can  be  cured  by  this  new  magic,  this  so-called 
Christianity? 

LUCIA 

By  Christianity,  Caesar,  and  by  the  spirit  within. 
Even  you  may  be  healed. 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  41 

HELIOGABALUS 
Do  you  mean  without  swallowing  any  more  pills? 

LUCIA 

I  know  nothing  of  pills.  I  know  only  the  work  of 
the  Lord. 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  what  I  am  getting  at  is:  what  is  the  machinery 
of  it?  How  do  you  set  the  Lord  to  working?  Just 
how  do  you  do  it? 

LUCIA 

[Simply]     We  pray. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Is  that  all? 

LUCIA 

We  lay  on  hands. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Vastly  interested]  So!  You  lay  on  hands? 
And  do  you  yourself — that  is  to  say,  are  you  yourself 
a  practitioner  of  this — this — laying  on  of  hands? 

[He  leans  over  to  glance  cautiously  at  the  door 
through  which  DACIA  has  gone] 

LUCIA 

My  prayers  have  been  answered.  I  take  no  re 
ward.  I  would  ask  the  Lord's  mercies  even  for  you, 
Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  all  I  have  to  say  is  that  you  are  a  very  nice 


42 HELIQGABALUS        [Acx    I 

girl.  First  you  accuse  me  of  murdering  your  friends, 
and  now  you  say  you  are  willing  to  pray  for  me, — 
and  even  to  lay  on  hands. 

LUCIA 

It  is  the  command:  forgive  those  who  have  ill- 
used  you. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  I  say:  now  you  are  going  too  far.  Imagine 
me  ill-using  you.  Sweet  piece,  you  wrong  me. 

LUCIA 
[In  surprise]     I  am  not  to  be  burned? 

HELIOGABALUS 

The  idea!  Burn  you!  The  very  thought  of  it  re 
volts  me.  You  have  been  misinformed,  my  dear.  I 
am  a  very  humane  man — even  a  polite  man. 

LUCIA 

But— 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  I  know  what  you  are  going  to  say.  Now  and 
then  I  am  irritable — and  maybe  order  a  man  or  two, 
or  a  dozen  or  so,  to  the — that  is,  now  and  then,  I  let 
the  law  take  its  course.  But  when  a  man  is  in  bad 
health — and  always  has  the  stomach-ache — he  some 
times  gets  out  of  humour.  Who  wouldn't?  You  have 
no  idea  how  much  I  have  suffered,  and  what  awful 
medicines  I  have  taken.  Not  half  an  hour  ago  I  had 
to  have  another  of  those  quacks  ducked  in  this  very 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  43 

room.  Well,  the  Christians  have  this  easy  cure — 
this  way  of  curing  by  laying  on  hands — and  yet  they 
let  me  suffer.  Is  it  any  wonder  that  I  sometimes  lose 
my  temper?  Now  you  say  that  you  also  know  the 
trick,  and  I  was  wondering — 

LUCIA 

I  shall  pray  for  you,  Ca3sar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  by  all  means.  But  this  laying  on  of  hands — 
I  have  a  notion  that  it  might,  er — fit  my  particular 
case  even  better. 

LUCIA 

[Diffidently}     We  could  try. 

HELIOGABALUS 

So  we  could.  But  not  here.  I  have  a  feeling  that 
a  crowd  might  be — well,  unsympathetic.  [To  the 
clerk]  The  court  recesses,  Mr.  Clerk.  Clear  the 
room! 

[The  guards  proceed  to  drive  every  one  out  in  head 
long  haste,  leaving  only  HELIOGALBUS,  LUCIA  and 

RUFINIUS] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  RUFINIUS]  I  shall  cross-examine  the  witness 
in  chambers.  [To  LUCIA,  offering  her  his  arm]  My 
dear. 

[As  they  go  out,  HELIOGABALUS  takes  another  pre 
cautionary  look  at  the  peristyle.  They  go  into 


44 HELIOGABALUS       [Acr   I 

one  of  the  rooms  at  the  rear.  The  door  closes. 
RUFINIUS,  to  whom  the  business  is  an  old  story, 
heaves  a  sigh,  pours  out  two  goblets  of  wine,  and 
places  them  on  the  small  table  near  the  door. 
He  then  goes  to  the  door  of  the  ostium,  and  calls 
out  to  an  unseen  guard] 

RUFINIUS 

[In  bored  tones]  Better  get  the  musicians  ready, 
Sampinus.  They'll  probably  be  wanted  presently. 
Are  they  all  sober? 

[The  guard  makes  no  reply,  but  the  clank  of  his 
sword  is  heard.  As  RUFINIUS  turns  back,  PAULA 
enters  from  the  peristyle.  She  is  somewhat  di 
shevelled] 

PAULA 

The  Emperor — where  is  the  Emperor? 

RUFINIUS 
He  has  just  stepped  out,  Majesty. 

PAULA 

Just  stepped  out?     Where  has  he  gone? 

RUFINIUS 
He  hasn't  gone  anywhere,  Majesty. 

PAULA 

Bosh.  Either  he  is  out  or  he  is  not  out.  Don't 
deceive  me! 

[RUFINIUS,  stumped,  answers  nothing,  but  his  eyes 
wander  to  the  door.  PAULA  quickly  notices] 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  45 

PAULA 
So  he's  in  there,  is  he?     And  who  is  it  this  time? 

RUFIXIUS 

A    young    woman,    Majesty — a    young    Christian 
woman. 

[There  is  a  loud  knock  on  the  inside  of  the  door, 
and  RUFINIUS  steps  to  answer.  He  opens  the 
door  very  slightly  and  pokes  his  head  in] 

RUFINIUS 

Majesty? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Within]     Music! 

[RUFINIUS  claps  his  hands,  and  instantly  two  musi 
cians  come  in  from  the  ostium.  One  has  a 
Greek  pipe  and  the  other  a  lyre.  The  piper 
blows  a  loud  blast  and  breaks  into  lively  music. 
Suddenly  there  are  again  loud  knocks  on  the  in 
side  of  the  door,  and  RUFIMUS  pokes  in  his  head 
once  more] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Within]      Not  so  damned  loud!      Something  soft 
— and  dreamy! 

RUFIMUS 

[To  the  musicians]     Turn  off  the  air  in  that  pipe! 
[HELIOGABALUS'   order  appears   ominous  to   both 
RUFINIUS  and  PAULA,  and  they  look  at  each  other] 

PAULA 

This  looks  serious. 


46  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx    I 

RUFINIUS 

I  fear  so,  Majesty. 

PAULA 

You  say  she  is  a  Christian  girl — one  of  those  ex-Jew 
esses  who  bawl  and  beat  tambourines  on  the  streets? 
What  does  she  look  like? 

RUFINIUS 
I  regret  to  report — 

PAULA 

Speak  up!     Is  she  good-looking? 

RUFINIUS 
[Reluctantly}     In  a  sense,  yes. 

PAULA 

That  means  she  is  very  beautiful,  doesn't  it?  Do  I 
know  any  one  she  looks  like? 

RUFINIUS 

[With  a  heavy  attempt  at  courtliness]  Your  Ma 
jesty  must  consult  your  mirror. 

PAULA 

Enough  of  that  blather!  Do  you  think  that  I  don't 
know  I'm — nearly  twenty-eight?  [With  bitterness] 
If  I  were  still  what  I  used  to  be,  I'd  be  in  that  room 
myself. 

[Another  knock  on  the  inside  of  the  door.  RUFIN 
IUS  responds.  Unintelligible  words  from  within. 
RUFINIUS  turns,  empties  the  two  goblets,  takes  an- 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  47 

other  flask  from  the  table,   and   refills   them. 
The  musicians  keep  droning  softly] 

PAULA 

What  is  that  stuff? 

RUFINIUS 

The  wine  from  Britain,  brought  to  the  Emperor  by 
Caius  Macrinus. 

PAULA 

You  mean  that  stuff  that  tastes  like  smoke?  Wine 
your  grandpa !  So  he's  going  to  try  that  on  that  poor 
girl!  The  third  degree! 

[RUFINIUS  passes  in  the  two  goblets] 

RUFINIUS 
It  is  somewhat  heady. 

PAULA 

I  should  say  it  is.  Why,  the  first  time  I  tried  it  my 
head  spun  around  like  a  ballet  girl.  Now  tell  me 
about  this  girl.  Is  it  just  a — you  know — or  is  it — ? 

RUFINIUS 
I'm  afraid  it  is. 

PAULA 

Is  what?  [Maudlinly]  Tell  me,  Rufinius!  You 
wouldn't  desert  me !  Tell  me  the  truth ! 

RUFINIUS 

I'm  afraid  it's  serious. 


48 HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T    I 

PAULA 

You  mean — ? 

RUFINIUS 

Well,  he  hasn't  ordered  any  guard  to  take  her  away 
in  the  morning. 

PAULA 

[Hysterically]  There!  I  knew  it!  He'll  marry 
her,  and  then  I'll  have  another  on  my  hands.  Eleven 
already — and  now  one  more!  I'll  go  crazy  if  he 
keeps  this  up. 

RUFINIUS 

[Reassuringly]  Well,  maybe  I'm  wrong,  after  all. 
Perhaps  he's  merely  interested  in  her  talk. 

PAULA 

[Inconsolable]  Yes,  that's  the  worst  of  it.  If  it 
was  only  her  looks  I  wouldn't  care.  A  man  gets  his 
fill  of  looking  in  no  time.  But  when  he  begins  to 
listen  he's  lost.  [Bursting  into  tears]  I  think  this  is 
too  much.  I've  tried  to  be  a  good  chief  wife  to  the 
Emperor.  Have  you  ever  heard  me  complain  when 
he  came  home  with  a  girl  and — sent  for  the  musi 
cians?  Never!  But  I'm  getting  tired  of  this  marry 
ing.  When  he  marries  another  one  /  have  her  on  my 
hands.  Who  has  to  keep  order  among  them?  Who 
protects  them  when  he  gets  into  a  bad  humour  and 
begins  to  talk  of  throwing  half  a  dozen  of  them  to  the 
crocodiles? 

[She  blubbers] 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  49 

RUFINIUS 

But  maybe  Your  Majesty  is  too  pessimistic.  I  have 
a  feeling  that — 

[A  knock  from  within  the  door  interrupts  him.  He 
goes  to  the  door  and  the  salver  is  handed  out. 
On  it  are  the  two  goblets.  One  is  empty;  the 
other  is  still  full] 

PAULA 

[Rushing  up,  she  immediately  notes  the  full  goblet] 
Ha!  One  still  full!  [Hysterically]  What  did  I 
tell  you?  This  one  is  a  wise  one:  she  refuses  to 
drink.  Now  he's  done  for! 

RUFINIUS 
[Alarmed  at  last]     It  looks  pretty  bad. 

PAULA 

Bad?  I  tell  you  it's  all  over!  I  got  him  that  way 
myself — and  so  did  most  of  the  others.  I  know! 
[Rising  to  martyrdom]  Oh,  what  have  I  done  to  de 
serve  this!  And  a  Christian,  too — a  common  street 
woman,  praying  and  bawling  in  the  gutters !  Imagine 
the  palace  with  her  around !  Worse,  imagine  the  Em 
peror!  Here,  give  me  the  goblet.  I  feel  faint! 

[She  doivns  the  goblet] 

[A  commotion  inside.  A  hand  on  the  knob  of  the 
door] 

RUFINIUS 

[In  alarm]     Your  Majesty  had  better — 


50 HELIOGABALUS       [ACT    I 

PAULA 

Yes,  yes.  [Starting  off]  Let  me  know  what  hap 
pens. 

[She  sneaks  out  just  as  HELIOGABALUS  enters  with 
the  girl  on  his  arm] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  RUFINIUS]     Kick  these  vermin  out  [indicating 
the  musicians]      They  play  bawdy  music. 
[RUFINIUS  kicks  them  out] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  LUCIA]  And  now,  little  dear,  as  I  was 
saying — 

[His  eye  suddenly  lights  on  the  two  goblets,  and  he 
notes  that  the  second  one  has  been  emptied] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Rufinius! 

RUFINIUS 

Majesty! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Who  emptied  this  goblet? 

RUFINIUS 

[In  great  confusion]  Your  Majesty,  I  assure 
you — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Silence!  I  don't  want  to  hear  any  lies  from  you. 
So  you  have  taken  to  the  jug  again — after  all  your 
promises?  While  I  am  hard  at  work,  engaged  in  the 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  51 

administration    of   justice — labouring    at    affairs    of 
state — you  loll  out  here  in  the  atrium  in  your  cups! 

RUFINIUS 
[At  a  loss]     Your  Majesty,  I — 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  have  ordered  you  not  to  lie!  If  you  tell  me  that 
it  evaporated — in  four  minutes — to  the  galleys!  If 
you  say  you  gave  it  to  a  blind  beggar — to  the  boa  con 
strictors!  If  you  say  thieves  broke  in  and  stole  it — 
I'll  burn  you  like  a — like  a  Christian! 

RUFINUS 

[Eager  to  shield  the  Empress,  he  takes  the  blame. 
He  falls  to  his  knees]  Majesty!  I  ask  forgiveness! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Ha!  You  save  your  life!  [Irritably]  But  this 
sort  of  thing  has  got  to  stop!  I  can't  have  drinking 
men  about  me.  [A  pause  while  he  meditates'}  You 
must  be  punished.  You  must  have  your  lesson. 
[Another  pause']  How  would  you  like  to  lose  those 
beautiful  pink  whiskers? 

RUFINIUS 

[Horror-stricken,  he  falls  fiat  on  the  floor]  Maj 
esty! 

HELIOGABALUS 

That's  it,  exactly.     Call  in  the  guard  and  we'll  chop 


52  HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T    I 

them  off  at  once — and  maybe  a  slice  of  ear  with 
them. 

LUCIA 

[Protesting]      I  hope  your  Majesty — 
[She  is  cut  off  by  the  entrance  of  PAULA,  who 
bounds  in  from  the  peristyle.     PAULA,  by  now,  is 
in  the  last  stages  of  a  crying  drunk] 

PAULA 

Stop! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Startled]     What? 

PAULA 

Rufinius  is  innocent! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Then  it  was — 

PAULA 

Yes,  7  drank  it.     I  was  feeling  faint.     I  took  it — 
medicinally. 

HELIOGABALUS 
Well,  it  seems  to  have  medicated  you,  all  right. 

PAULA 
I  think  I  had  cause  to  be  ill. 

HELIOGABALUS 
What  had  you  been  eating? 

PAULA 

Yes,  laugh  while  I  suffer!     You  never  think  of  me! 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  53 

Here  am  I,  so  faint  I  can  hardly  walk — and  you  give 
banquets,  and  bring  in  women  off  the  street,  and  turn 
the  palace  into  a — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Sternly]  My  dear,  you  talk  pish.  This  lady  is 
Lucia.  Lucia,  the  Empress.  Lucia  was  arrested — - 
by  a  grievous  error — and  brought  before  me — and  we 
have  been  discussing  certain  problems — chiefly  socio 
logical. 

PAULA 

Yes,  I  know  what  your  problems  are — whether  to 
make  love  to  her  and  fill  her  with  nonsense,  or  just 
grab  her. 

HELIOGABALUS 

My  dear,  I  forbid  you.  Such  talk  is  libellous,  and 
grossly  licentious.  You  will  make  me  believe  that 
the  wine  has — affected  you. 

PAULA 

[To  LUCIA]  Don't  you  let  him  come  over  you  with 
his  soft-soap.  That  man  could  talk  a  woman  into 
anything.  Haven't  I  seen  him  do  it,  with  one  girl 
after  another?  He'll  make  you  believe  you  are 
Venus  and  then,  when  you  get  to  be  as  I  am,  he'll — 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  foolishness,  my  dear!  Imagine  this  beauti 
ful,  this  innocent,  girl  ever  getting  like  you  are! 


54 HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

PAULA 

Wasn't  I  beautiful  and  innocent  once? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  maybe  once. 

PAULA 

[Maudlin}  And  when  I  think  of  those  other  poor 
girls. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  LUCIA]  Unluckily,  my  sweet  Venus,  the  Em 
press  is  not  herself.  I  have  noticed  it  for  some  time. 
About  twenty  years.  [To  PAULA]  Wouldn't  it  be 
better,  darling,  if  you  went  to  bed?  Perhaps  a  good 
night's  rest  would  help  you.  Or  shall  I  send  for 
Piso? 

PAULA 

Piso?     Never!     That  dirty  old  fraud— 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  yet  you  sent  for  him  to  monkey  with  my  stom 
ach — my  poor,  sick  stomach!  Don't  say  you  didn't. 
I  know  all  about  it.  By  this  time,  my  dear,  you 
should  have  more  respect  for  my  spy  system. 

PAULA 

That's  the  way:  You  always  put  it  on  me!  When 
you  have  done  something,  you  accuse  me  of  some 
thing.  Oh,  what — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Humouring  her\     But  why  go  into  that?    You  are 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  55 

— ill,  and  ought  to  be  in  bed.  And  besides,  I  have 
business.  There  is,  for  example,  the  matter  of  Ru- 
finius'  ear.  It  had  better  be  attended  to  at  once. 

RUFINIUS 

Oh,  Majesty,  Majesty! 

PAULA 

Rufinius  is  innocent.     I  drank  the  wine — all  of  it! 
HELIOGABALUS 

I  believe  you — but  nevertheless,  Rufinius  lied  to 
me.  Can  I  afford  to  let  it  get  about  that  it  is  safe  to 
lie  to  the  Emperor  of  Rome?  Surely  not.  Now,  go 
to  bed  and  get  a  good  night's  rest  and  let  me  attend 
to  Rufinius'  ear.  He  is  tired  of  waiting.  The  longer 
we  put  off  the  matter  of  his  ear,  the  longer  it  will  take 
to  heal. 

[Taking  her  arm  he  pushes  her  out] 

PAULA 

[Going  out  blubbering]     What  have  I  ever  done  to 
deserve  such  awful,  such  cruel,  such — 
[She  disappears] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  RUFINIUS]  Now  get  the  guard,  and  bring  in 
the  tools.  It'll  be  all  over  in  a  few  minutes. 

RUFINIUS 
[ Screech i n g]      Pardon,  Majesty,  pardon!      I — 


56  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx    I 

HELIOGABALUS 

Silence!  I  have  already  pardoned  you.  This 
other  business  is  a  mere  reminder,  a  souvenir.  Go 
get  the  guard.  I  am  busy. 

[RUFINIUS  staggers  to  his  feet,  and  starts  slowly  to 
ward  the  ostiuni\ 

LUCIA 
But  surely,  your  Majesty,  you  are  not — 

HELIOGABALUS 

It  won't  take  three  minutes,  I  assure  you.  I'll  do 
it  myself — and  I  have  a  steady  hand.  Then  we  can 
resume  our — studies — 

LUCIA 

[Clutching  his  arm]  But  surely  this  is  not  neces 
sary.  "Vengeance  is  Mine,  saith  the  Lord."  I  beg 
of  you,  Caesar — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  I  forgot.     Your  religion.     Your  Christianity. 

LUCIA 
We  are  forbidden  to  shed  blood,  even  an  enemy's. 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  no  one  is  asking  you  to  shed  any  blood,  little 
pigeon.  I'll  do  it  myself.  Besides,  there  won't  be 
much. 

LUCIA 
Or  to  see  it  shed. 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS 57 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  now,  isn't  that  going  rather  far?     Wouldn't 
it  be  fair  to  call  that  a  rather  extreme  view? 

LUCIA 

[Her  hands  on  him]     Caesar,  I  beg  of  you,  I  im 
plore  you — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Melting,  he  slips  his  arm  around  her]      Oh,  if  you 
I  put  it  on  those  grounds,  why,  of  course — [He  strokes 
her  hair]     Do  you  like  me,  Lucia,  just  a  little  bit? 

LUCIA 
I'd  like  you  more,  Caesar,  if — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Sentimentally]     How  much  more? 

LUCIA 

[Her  eyes  downcast]     Maybe  a  great  deal  more, 
if- 

HELIOGABALUS 

Honest?     You  swear  it? 

LUCIA 

We  are  forbidden  to  swear.     "Let  your  Aye  be 
Aye,  and  your  Nay — " 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  but  you  would,  wouldn't  you? 

LUCIA 
I  think  I  would,  Caesar. 


58  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx   I 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Calling  to  RUFINIUS]  Rufinius,  you  may  keep 
your  ear.  And  your  beautiful  pink  whiskers,  too. 

RUFINIUS 
[Turning  at  the  ostium}     Your  Majesty  is  good! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Moreover,  you  look  tired!  You  have  long  hours. 
Suppose  you  take  a  little  nap  out  in  the  ostium.  I'll 
call  you  if  I  want  you.  I  have  a  bit  more — business 
— with  this  young  lady. 

RUFINIUS 
At  your  Majesty's  command. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  before  you  go  out,  you  might  as  well  dim  some 
of  these  lights.  They  seem  to  me  to  be  a  bit  glary, 
so  to  speak.  How  about  putting  out  that  big  one  over 
there?  [RUFINIUS  extinguishes  it]  So,  that's  bet 
ter.  Now  run  along.  If  I  want  you  I'll  call.  But 
don't  sit  up  for  me. 

[Exit  RUFINIUS] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Approaching  LUCIA  and  eyeing  her  admiringly] 
And  now,  my  dear  and  very  delightful  Christian 
maiden,  now  that  we  are  alone,  let  us  sit  down  and 
have  a  cosy  little  chat.  Oh,  not  on  that  stool;  it  will 
tire  your  back.  Why  not  here?  [He  mounts  the 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  59 

solium]  See,  I'll  sit  here  in  my  regular  place,  and 
you — well,  you  sit  so.  [He  draws  her  to  his  knee] 
How's  that?  Comfortable? 

LUCIA 

I  am  afraid,  Caesar.  My  people  will  be  wondering 
where  I  am. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  a  good  joke  on  them,  too.  [He  laughs  elab 
orately]  They'll  think  you  are  on  your  way  to  the 
lions — and  here  you  are  as  safe  as  a  bug  in  a  rug — 
and  converting  the  Emperor  to  this  Christianity,  as 
you  call  it.  Now,  about  that  Christian  kiss  you 
showed  me — just  how  is  it  done? 

LUCIA 

[Pecking  at  him  modestly  and  very  gingerly] 
Like  this. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Disappointed,  shaking  his  head]  Um,  kind  o' 
short.  Not  like — but  maybe — after  a  while,  after  a 
little  while  .  .  . 

LUCIA 

[Bashfully,  but  with  art]  I'm  afraid  you  won't 
respect  me. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Looks  at  her  sharply]     What's  that? 

LUCIA 
I  said  I  thought  you  would  think  I  was — 


60  HELIOGABALUS       [ACT    I 

HELIOGABALUS 

Pish-posh,  little  goose-liver.     I  never  think  such 
things.     Don't  mention  them. 

LUCIA 

But  you  have  a  wife  already. 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  wife?     I  have  eleven. 
LUCIA 

[Horrified]     What!     Eleven! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Eleven  living.  My  poor,  dear  Marcia  is  dead— 
among  others.  Paula  succeeded  her.  Dynastic  rea 
sons,  my  juicy  plum:  the  merit  system  was  unheard  of 
in  those  days.  Then  there  is  Annia  Faustina,  with  the 
red  hair.  And  Caelestis.  I  married  her  in  Gaul:  I 
was  very  lonely.  And  then  there  is  Aquilia  Severa. 
And  Falia.  And  dear  little  Dacia.  That  was  Dacia 
who  was  with  me  when  those  scoundrels  brought  you 
in.  You  will  like  Dacia — that  is,  you  would  like  her 
if  you  knew  her.  And  then  there  is  Gestina.  And — 

[Fie  hesitates] 

LUCIA 

That  makes  seven. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  Blenina,  the  blonde.     And  Alinia.     And — 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS 61 

LUCIA 
That  makes  nine. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  let  so  much  be  considered  the  reading  of  the 
minutes.  It  would  only  bore  you  to  go  on.  Besides, 
why  do  it?  Put  them  beside  you,  my  new  baby — oh, 
my!  You  saw  one  of  them — Paula.  Imagine  a 
cultivated  man,  a  man  of  artistic  tastes,  swapping  a 
real  kiss  with— 

LUCIA 

But  the  Lord  forbids.  A  man  must  cleave  to  one 
wife. 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  sensible  idea.  In  fact,  a  capital  idea.  If  the 
rest  of  Christianity  is  like  that,  put  down  my  name  at 
once.  But  it's  too  late. 

LUCIA 
You  have  married  all  these  women? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Every  one  of  them,  so  far  as  I  can  make  out.  In 
cluding  Paula. 

LUCIA 

Then  you  have  broken  the  law  of  the  Lord.  Then 
you  have  sinned. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Snuggling  close]  Oh,  come  now.  Surely  it  is 
no  sin  to  marry.  I  always  thought  that — 


62 HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T    I 

LUCIA 
Marriage  is  of  the  Lord. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  then,  how  do  you  make  it  out  that  I  have 
sinned?  If  it's  all  right  to  marry  one  wife,  why 
should  it  be  a  sin  to  marry  another  wife? 

LUCIA 

You  are  mocking  me,  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Not  at  all,  I  assure  you.  I  am  quite  serious.  Just 
why  should  it  be  a  sin,  as  you  call  it,  to  marry  more 
than  one? 

LUCIA 

There  are  many  reasons,  Caesar.  The  Lord  has 
spoken.  A  man,  in  His  eyes,  can  truly  love  but  one 
woman. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Fiddlesticks,  little  prune  cake.  I  have  eleven 
wives,  and  I  love  no  less  than  four  of  them. 

LUCIA 

Love  them? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  more  or  less.  At  all  events,  I  did  love  them. 
Now — 

LUCIA 

You  loved  them  truly? 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  63 

HELIOGABALUS 

One  of  them  for  two  long  years! 

LUCIA 

But  marriage  must  endure  unto  death. 

HELIOGABALUS 

It  did.  It  wasn't  my  fault.  But  figure  it  for  your 
self:  When  I  caught  her  with  that  gladiator,  what 
could  I  do?  It  was  a  great  shock  to  me. 

LUCIA 

You—? 

HELIOGABALUS 

It  cut  me  to  the  heart.  I  almost  felt  like  taking 
some  of  the  poison  myself. 

LUCIA 

[Horrified]     You  had  her  poisoned? 
HELIOGABALUS 

What  was  I  to  do?  I  went  as  far  as  I  decently 
could.  I  invited  the  gladiator  to  dinner.  They  died 
in  each  other's  arms.  I  even  buried  him  at  my  own 
expense. 

LUCIA 

You  are  horrible. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  am  a  husband. 

LUCIA 
You  are  a  pagarv^an  infidel! 


64  HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T    I 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  you?  Isn't  a  Christian  an  infidel?  You,  too, 
are  an  infidel — but  [sentimentally] — a  very  dear, 
sweet  little  infidel.  Now,  how  about  another  of  those 
Christian  kisses — but  this  time  a  man's  size  one? 

LUCIA. 

[Not  heeding  him]      Could  you  share  your  love— 
or  what  you  call  your  love — for  me  with  any  other 
woman? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Under  the  spell  of  her  beauty]  You  try  my  phi 
losophy  sorely. 

LUCIA 

[Insistent]      Could  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 
Well,  I'm  no  longer  as  young  as  I  used  to  be. 

LUCIA 

Could  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Turn  your  head  a  bit,  so  that  the  light  falls  on  your 
hair.  Ah,  the  moon!  There,  that's  better.  Now, 
what  was  it  you  said? 

LUCIA 

Could  you  share  your  love  for  me  with  another 
woman? 


ACT    I]        HELIOGAB  ALL'S  65 

HELIOGABALUS 

[A  pause,  during  which  he  admires  the  picture. 
Emphatically]  No! 

LUCIA 

[Radiant]  Ah.  Caesar,  you  see!  Or  you  begin  to 
see.  The  star  of  Bethlehem  has  begun  to  shine  in 
Rome! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[His  arm  about  her]  I  don't  see  any  star,  my  dear, 
but  the  stars  that  shine  in  your  amethyst  eyes.  Now, 
please — [A  kiss]  And  now  another. 

LUCIA 

What!     Right  away! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Don't  be  afraid  of  crowding  them.  I  could  stand 
millions  of  those  stingy  Christian  kisses.  A  thousand 
of  them  would  only  make  one  real,  honest  Roman  kiss. 

LUCIA 

No. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes. 

LUCIA 

No.  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  order  vou. 


66  HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T   I 

LUCIA 

[At  once  archly  and  coolly]      In  whose  name,  Cae 
sar? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Desperately  in  her  thrall]     In  the  name  of  your 
God,  whose  light  I  am  beginning  to  see. 

LUCIA 

[Now  more  persuaded]     Well,  just  a  little  one. 
[HELIOGABALUS  negotiates  a  long,  strangling,  gurg 
ling  buss} 

LUCIA 

Oh,  my! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Was  it  nice? 

LUCIA 

[Coquettishly]     No.     You  are  bad,  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What!     Bad! 

LUCIA 

Bad,  bad,  Caesar. 

[A  great  crash  in  the  ostium9  with  yells.  HELIO 
GABALUS  jumps  to  his  feet  and  reaches  for  his 
sword,  almost  dropping  LUCIA.  Presently  a 
Christian  comes  bounding  in,  with  RUFINIUS  and 
two  guards  hanging  to  him.  RUFINIUS  is  in  his 
undershirt  and  barefooted.  The  Christian  is  a 
man  of  gigantic  stature,  and  the  three  have  diffi- 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  67 

culty  in  holding  him.     But  finally  they  pin  his 
arms  behind  him] 

THE    CHRISTIAN 

I  want  to  see  Caesar!      I  must  face  Caesar! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Observing  that  the  three  have  at  last  made  him, 
fast.     Folding  his  arms]     Let  him  speak. 

THE    CHRISTIAN 

I  accuse  you,  Caesar,  of  debauchery. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What!     You  come  here  in  the  middle  of  the  night 
to— 

THE    CHRISTIAN 

I  call  on  you  in  the  name  of  the  Lord— 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  Lucia]      Do  you  know  this  gentleman?     Who 
is  he,  and  what  does  he  want? 

THE    CHRISTIAN 

I  want  you  to  liberate  that  poor,  innocent  girl- 
that  lamb  of  the  Lord. 

LUCIA 

He  is  Simon  of  Cappadocia. 

SIMON 

[Still  roaring]     Let  her  go!     Release  her  from 
your  loathsome  embraces! 


68  HELIOGABALUS       [A  c  T    I 

HELIOGABALUS 

Listen  to  that!  [To  Lucia}  Think  of  that,  my 
dear! 

LUCIA 

[Quietly]  You  are  wrong,  Simon.  The  great 
Caesar  has  done  me  no  harm. 

HELIOGABALUS 

There,  you  see! 

SIMON 
He  has  not  laid  his  hands  on  you? 

LUCIA 
No.     That  is— 

SIMON 

[Refusing  to  believe  it]  You  fear  him.  You  are 
afraid  to  speak!  [To  HELIOGABALUS]  Caesar,  what 
are  you  doing  to  this  maiden? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Doing  to  her?     I  am  admiring  her. 

SIMON 
What  are  you  going  to  do  to  her? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Embarrassed]  Now,  really —  [To  LUCIA] 
Who  did  you  say  he  is? 

LUCIA 

One  of  our  pastors — Simon.  [Apologetically] 
He  is  very— 


ACT    I]        HELIOGABALUS  69 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  pastor?  That  is,  a  clergyman?  [To  SIMON] 
Are  you  in  holy  orders? 

SIMON 

I  am  a  poor  shepherd.  I  seek  this  strayed  lamb. 
The  wolves — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Good  enough.  I  respect  you  for  it.  So  you  are 
a  clergyman?  Well,  that  simplifies  matters  enor 
mously.  Get  out  your  tools.  [Bells  begin  to  ring 
out]  The  New  Year! 

SIMON 

[In  alarm]     Tools? 

HELIOGABALUS 

The  things  necessary  for  your  ceremony  of  holy 
marriage.  I  assume  that  you  carry  them  with  you. 
[The  din  increases]  It's  the  New  Year — and  I  turn 
over  a  new  leaf! 

LUCIA 
[In    astonishment;    protesting]       But,     Caesar — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Nonsense,  my  dear.  Tomorrow  it  may  be  raining, 
or  there  may  be  a  parade—  [To  SIMON]  And  now, 
Doctor,  you  may  begin.  Do  I  stand  here? 

[The  din  still  increases] 

LUCIA 
[Swept  off  her  feet]     But,  Caesar,  your  other  wives ! 


70  HELIOGABALUS       [Acx    I 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Himself  completely  gone}  I  am  done  with  my 
other  wives ! 

LUCIA 
Done  with  them? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Henceforth  and  for  ever!  You  shall  be  my  one 
wife!  And  your  faith  my  faith! 

LUCIA 

[Wide-eyed]  You  mean — you  mean,  Caesar,  that 
through  me,  through  love  for  me,  you  have  come  to 
see  the  light? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Swung  along  by  the  situation}  I  mean,  my  fair 
maiden,  that  I  have  seen  some  kind  of  light  in  your 
beautiful  eyes.  I  don't  know  just  what  it  is,  or  ex 
actly  what  it  stands  for,  but  I  love  you,  adore  you, 
want  you — and  am  willing  to  follow  it — blindly. 

SIMON 

[To  LUCIA,  in  amazement]  Can  you — do  you — 
believe? 

LUCIA 

[  Taking  the  Emperor  s  hand,  as  the  chimes  swell  to 
a  great  clamour]  The  great  Caesar  sees  at  last! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[His  eyes  feasting  upon  her]     What  wonderful 
CURTAIN 


ACT  II 


ACT  II 

Sometime  in  the  middle  of  the  year  221  A.D. 

The  scene  is  the  cubicula  nocturna,  or  bedroom,  of 
the  Emperor  'in  the  Palace.  Time:  10  P.M. 

A  rather  shallow  and  crowded  apartment,  with  doors 
at  the  left  and  upper  right,  and  a  single  window 
at  the  right.  The  Romans,  of  course,  did  not 
have  beds  of  the  sort  we  sleep  in  today.  The 
thing  they  used  was  a  sort  of  chaise-longue — that 
is,  it  had  no  foot-board.  HELIOGABALUS'  bed  is 
to  the  left  of  the  spectator,  with  its  back  against 
the  back  ivall  and  its  foot  facing  the  footlights. 
Beside  it,  separated  by  a  space  of  no  more  than 
two  feet,  is  the  huge  bed  of  his  wives.  It  is,  in 
design,  exactly  like  his  own,  but  it  is  at  least  20 
feet  wide.  The  bed-clothing  stretches  unbrok- 
enly  from  side  to  side  of  it,  but  there  are  separate 
pillows — twelve  of  them,  each  embroidered  icith 
a  large  monogram  in  purple.  The  pillow  with 
the  "L"  [for  LUCIA]  is  nearest  HELIOGABALUS' 
bed.  In  the  narrow  space  between  this  huge  bed 
and  HELIOGABALUS'  there  is  a  small  night  table, 
and  on  it  are  a  lamp  and  a  bottle  of  water  and 
goblet.  This  lamp  furnishes  the  only  light  in 

73 


74  HELIOGABALUS      [AcxII 

the  room.  Twelve  clothes-racks,  piled  with  fin 
ery,  are  at  the  extreme  right. 

As  the  curtain  rises,  HELIOGABALUS  is  propped  up 
in  bed,  reading  a  scroll  by  the  light  of  the  lamp. 
LUCIA  is  the  only  occupant  of  the  other  bed.  She 
is  lying  near  the  middle  of  it,  and  is  thus  about 
10  feet  from  HELIOGABALUS. 

HELIOGABALUS,  still  holding  the  scroll  in  one  hand, 
reaches  over,  pours  out  a  goblet  of  water,  looks 
at  it  sourly,  makes  a  face,  heaves  a  sigh,  and 
drinks  it. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  stuff!  No  wonder  I've  still  got  the  stomach 
ache.  [Slowly  rolling  up  the  scroll  as  he  gives  it  a 
final  scrutiny}  Hm — hm — hm —  ... 

LUCIA 

[After  a  pause,  sleepily}  What  have  you  been 
doing,  Caesar? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Drinking  that  washing-water  you  make  me  drink, 
and  reading. 

LUCIA 

Reading  what? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Poetry. 

LUCIA 

[Piously]     Poetry  is  corrupting. 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS 75 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  agree  with  you.     Listen  to  this:      [Reading] 
We  shall  meet  beyond  the  Jordan 

In  the  heavenly  fields  so  fair; 
We  shall  meet  our  loved  and  lost  ones — 

There  will  be  no  parting  there. 

LUCIA 
[Somewhat  uncertainly]     Who  wrote  it? 

HELIOGABALUS 

One  of  your  Christian  poets — Commodianus. 
What  you  call  a  hymn  writer.  It  sickens  me. 

LUCIA 

[Challengingly]      I  like  it. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  and  you  also  like  the  Song  of  Solomon.  I 
blush  for  you,  little  sweetbread.  The  Song  of  Solo 
mon  is  pretty  raw  stuff.  It  is  astonishing  what  a  few 
months  of  marriage  will  do  to  an  otherwise  modest 
girl. 

LUCLA 

[Primly]      Solomon  sang  of  Paradise. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  did  he?  But  he  took  good  care  to  fill  Paradise 
with  cuties.  He  had  the  imagination  of  a  sailor.  If 
Paradise  is  actually  full  of  that  sort  of  thing — if  such 
didoes  go  on  there — then  all  I  can  say  is  that — 


76  HELIOGABALUS      [AcTlI 

LUCIA 

Now  don't  start  moralizing,  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Why  not?  I  am  moral:  why  shouldn't  I  moralize? 
Is  it  a  crime  for  a  cow  to  give  milk? 

LUCIA 

[An  exclamation  of  disgust]     Oh,  you  always— 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  have  been  faithful  to  you,  little  pullet,  for  180 
days  and,  what's  more,  180  nights.  How's  that  for 
morals?  I  defy  you  to  find  me  a  Christian  to  match 
it,  at  any  weight.  Think  of  it!  Here  am  I,  still  in 
the  prime  of  life,  Emperor  of  Rome,  Pontifex  Maxi- 
mus  and  all  the  rest  of  it,  and  yet  I  am  as  virtuous 
as  a  convict  in  the  death-house.  Here  am  I  without 
a  glass  of  schnapps  for  six  months.  Here  am  I  with 
twelve  wives,  at  least  five  of  them  charming,  and  I 
lock  eleven  of  them  out,  and— 

LUCIA 
You  must  obey  the  Word. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  I  have  obeyed  it.  And  what  do  I  get  for  it? 
I  still  have  my  stomach-ache.  And  the  one  wife  I 
have  left  rolls  over  about  half  a  mile,  and  leaves  me 
to  shiver  over  bad  poetry.  [He  throws  the  scroll  on 
the  floor]  My  dear,  you  must  allow  something  to 
my  training.  I  am  used  to  society  at  night.  Loneli- 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  77 

ness  always  starts  up  my  dyspepsia.  How  many  times 
have  I  suddenly  wakened  and  cast  my  eye  over  that 
bed  and  watched  the  sweet  girls  as  they  slumbered,  or 
whispered  to  one  another,  or  nudged  one  another,  or 
giggled  in  their  more  or  less  perfect  innocence. 
There  was  always  at  least  one  awake.  And  when  she 
saw  me  sitting  up  wearily,  tortured  by  some  business 
of  state,  she  would  crawl  over  and  pour  me  out  a 
drink  of  the  real  stuff,  and  then  snuggle  into  bed  with 
me,  and  stroke  my  hair,  and — 

LUCIA 

There  was  always  an  Eye  upon  you.  There  was 
One  who  saw. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  if  there  was,  then  I  call  it  damned  bad  form. 
Even  the  gods  should  have  some  decency. 

LUCIA 

[Horrified]     Decency? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  then,  say  good  manners. 

LUCIA 
Now  you  blaspheme,  Caesar.     You  should  pray. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  am  willing.  I  have  no  objection  to  prayer — in 
its  proper  place.  As  you  may  recall,  I  was  originally 
designed  for  the  church:  it  was  only  accident  that 
threw  me  into  politics.  But  your  proposal,  now — 


78  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T   1 1 

your  scheme  of  praying  here  every  evening — isn't  it  a 
bit  vulgar? 

LUCIA 

What  an  idea! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Still,  I  can't  rid  myself  of  it.  It  haunts  my  con 
science,  so  to  speak.  Just  think  of  it  a  moment.  Im 
agine  praying  in  a — bedrooml  Don't  you  get  a 
vague  flavour  of,  say,  impropriety?  Isn't  it  a  trifle — 
indelicate? 

LUCIA 

I  think  you  are  talking  nonsense. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Reaching  for  the  water-jug  and  pouring  out  an 
other  goblet]  Maybe  I  am.  [He  takes  a  swallow, 
chokes  and  spits  it  out]  But  isn't  that  precisely  what 
a  man  seeks  in  marriage — a  sort  of  virtuous  nonsense? 
You  forget  the  way  I  make  a  living,  my  cold  little  rab 
bit.  My  days  are  filled  with  gloomy  duties.  If  I 
didn't  look  solemn  as  an  owl  the  people  would  lose 
confidence  in  me.  Say  I  go  to  the  circus.  There  are 
twenty  Jews  in  the  arena,  and  the  guards  let  out  the 
lions.  One  Jew  tries  to  climb  up  another  Jew.  Im 
agine  the  fun! 

LUCIA 

How  you  talk! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Rubbing  his  stomach,  as  if  feeling  a  pain]     Nev- 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS  79 

ertheless,  it  is  actual  fun,  genuine  humour — and  I  nat 
urally  want  to  squat  on  my  little  rearo,  throw  back 
my  ears  and  yell.  But  I  am  the  Emperor,  and  so  I 
must  keep  my  dignity.  Every  one  else  whoops  and 
bawls,  but  if  I  go  further  than  a  snicker  then  it  begins 
to  be  talked  of  in  the  barber-shops,  and  people  say  that 
I  am  drinking  too  much.  [He  casts  a  self-pitying 
glance  at  the  water-bottle]  Even  as  it  is,  a  good  many 
of  them  think  that  I  am  somewrhat — flightier — than  I 
ought  to  be.  For  example,  consider  my  interest  in 
you — especially  my  interest  in  your  faith — this  so- 
called  Christianity  of  yours.  Well,  to  you  it  may  be 
serious  enough,  but  think  how  it  must  appear  to  the 
average  respectable  Roman.  He  regards  it  as  sim 
ply  pishposh — and  he  thinks  of  me  much  as  he  would 
think  of  me  if  he  heard  that  I  was  interested  in  some 
sort  of  idiotic  Egyptian  sorcery. 

LUCIA 
[Primly]      I  see  no  possible  connection. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Naturally  not,  little  canary.  You  are  not  a  Roman. 
Well,  neither  am  I.  I  was  born  in  Syria.  I  am 
hyphenated.  But  now  to  get  to  my  point.  First,  my 
business  all  day  is  solemn;  secondly,  these  little  theo 
logical  debates  of  ours  in  the  evening  are  solemn. 
So  you  see  what  is  the  matter.  I  lack  recreation.  I 
lack — well,  there  is  nothing  to  distract  and  mellow 
my  mind. 


80 HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

LUCIA 

[With  a  touch  of  sarcasm]  Well,  what  do  you 
suggest? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Brightening]  I  suggest,  first  of  all,  little  squash- 
pie,  that  you  come  over  here  and  give  your  little  papa 
a  great  big  kiss. 

LUCIA 

[Still  primly]     You  had  better  go  to  sleep. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What!  At  ten  o'clock!  That's  another  thing:  this 
ten  o'clock  business.  Really  I— 

LUCIA 
It  is  time. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  it  is  time  for  a  kiss.  Plenty  of  time — time  for 
a  good,  long,  damp,  sticky  one.  [Wheedling,  half 
rising]  Now,  come  on,  Lucia!  Be  nice! 

[She  rolls  one  eye  at  him,  but  doesn't  answer.  He 
projects  one  leg  out  of  bed] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Shall  I?      [She  rolls  the  other  eye  indifferently] 
Do  you  dare  me?     I  double-dare  you  to  dare  me! 
[She  remains  silent] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Now  completely  out  of  bed,  and  standing  in  the 
narrow  space  between  the  beds]  Well,  here  goes  eti- 


ACT    1 1]     HELIOGABALUS  81 

quette!  Strictly  speaking,  my  gumdrop,  you  should 
come  to  me.  Remember,  I  am  Emperor,  not  to  say 
Pontifex  Maximus.  But  let  it  go.  Do  I  get  the  kiss? 

LUCIA 
[With  a  stiff  coquetry]     A  kiss — perhaps. 

HELIOGABALUS 
Only  perhaps.     And  only  a  kiss? 

LUCIA 

[Slightly  unbending]     Well,  then,  maybe — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  then  maybe  ivhat? 

LUCIA 
Maybe  a  kiss. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Hear,  hear!  Maybe  a  kiss!  And  here  I  am  Em 
peror,  not  to  say  Pontifex  Maximus,  not  to  say  a  hus 
band!  [He  climbs  into  the  big  bed  and  starts  across 
toward,  LUCIA  on  hands  and  knees.  She  begins  to  roll 
away  from  him]  Hey,  there,  little  cocoanut,  where 
are  you  going?  [He  falls  flat]  Halt!  [He  gets  in 
motion  again]  Remember,  sweet  oyster:  love,  hon 
our  and  obey! 

[LUCIA  eludes  him,  and  he  descends  to  various  mon 
key-shines  by  way  of  wheedling  her.  He  grabs 
a  pillow  and  hurls  it  at  her  and  she  flings  it  back 
at  him.  Finally,  to  the  tune  of  her  screeches,  he 
reaches  her.  He  grabs  her  arm. 


82 HELIQGABALUS     [Acx    II 

[At  this  instant  there  is  a  heavy  knocking  at  the 
door.  HELIOGABALUS  leaps  back,  and  listens  on 
hands  and  knees,  ears  up,  in  the  attitude  of  a 
cocker-spaniel] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thirty  thousand  oh-hells! 

LUCIA 
[Covering  her  ears  with  pillows]     Caesar! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  crawls  out  of  the  big  bed  very  clumsily.,  and' 
into  his  own  bed  again]  Who  is  it?  [An  unintelligi 
ble  voice  is  heard  outside]  Who?  [Another  blub 
ber]  What?  [Another]  Who?  [Another] 

LUCIA 

It  must  be  Rufinius. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Ah,  Rufinius!  So  it's  Rufinius?  And  I  told  him 
I  was — reading.  [He  slides  out  of  bed  into  the  space 
between  the  two  beds  and  grasps  the  heavy  water-bottle 
by  the  neck] 

LUCIA 

[In  alarm]     Don't  hurt  him! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Sh-h-h-h!      [The    knock    is    repeated]     Sh-h-h-h! 
[He  takes  a  firm  grip  on  the  bottle]      Come  in! 
t     [As  the  door  opens  and  RUFINIUS'  head  appears, 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  83 

HELIOGABALUS  lets  fly  with  the  bottle.  It  misses 
RUFIMUS  by  a  foot,  but  he  ducks  back  and  slams 
the  door.  A  moment's  silence] 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  bet  it  singed  him,  anyway. 
[He  climbs  back  into  bed] 

LUCIA 

You  might  have  killed  him. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Might  have  killed  him.     I  ought  to  have  killed  him. 
I'll  attend  to  it  in  the  morning. 

LUCIA 

He  thinks  I  made  you  throw  that  bottle  at  him. 
[Pause]      He  doesn't  like  me. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Wearily]      Nonsense.     What  makes  you  think  so? 

LUCIA 
I  just  simply  know  it. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Testily]      Hang  this  intuition!     How  do  you  know 
it?     What's  the  evidence? 

LUCIA 

[Somewhat  reluctantly]     Well,  when  I  gave  him  a 
tract  one  day  last  week  he  wouldn't  take  it. 


84  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T   1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

Why  not? 

LUCIA 

He  said  he  was  a  heathen,  and  proud  of  it.  He 
said  his  father  was  a  Gaulish  prince  and  worshipped 
idols.  I  warned  him  of — hell-fire. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  what  did  he  say  to  that? 

LUCIA 

He  said — well,  he  said  he  had  made  up  his  mind  to 
go  to  hell. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Chuckling}  Good  for  old  Rufinius!  For  that 
I'll  have  to  let  him  off.  Remind  me  not  to  have  him 
killed  in  the  morning. 

LUCIA 

[Querulously]     You  seem  to  sympathize  with  him. 

HELIOGABALUS 

In  a  sense,  yes.  Things  are  not  as  they  used  to  be 
—not  as  he  likes  them.  Rufinius,  you  see,  is  getting 
old,  and  old  fellows  dislike  changes. 

LUCIA 
Have  I  changed  anything? 

HELIOGABALUS 

You  surely  have.  The  palace  is  not  quite  the — 
well,  not  quite  what  it  used  to  be. 


ACT    1 1]     HELIOGABALUS  85 

LUCIA 

[Defiantly]     The  change  is  for  the  better,  Caesar! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Morally,  yes.  Spiritually,  yes.  But — er,  so 
cially,  so  to  speak, —  [a  pause] — hardly.  [He 
climbs  wearily  into  bed]  Almost  I  am  persuaded — 

LUCIA 

[Sniffling]  You  are  longing  for  those  awful 
women.  You  want  them  back. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Trying  to  convince  himself  of  his  own  earnestness] 
No,  no.  Really  not,  I  assure  you.  I  feel  like — like 
a  man  who  has  come  out  of  a  lion's  cage  into  a — 

LUCIA 
Into  a  what? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[At  a  loss]     Into  a — er — into — 

LUCIA 
[Banally]      Into  Paradise? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Quickly]  Well,  surely  not  into  Solomon's  Para 
dise!  [Bitterly]  Har,  har! 

LUCIA 
Still,  you  miss  them. 


86 HELIQGABALUS      [AcTlI 

HELIOGABALUS 

Of  course  I  do.  Wouldn't  a  man  miss — well, 
whatever  he  has  become  accustomed  to?  Wouldn't 
he  miss  his  underdrawers? 

LUCIA 

There  you  go  again! 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  have  I  done  now?  Mentioned  underdrawers! 
Well,  if  a  man  isn't  to  mention  his  underdrawers  to  his 
wife,  who  is  he  to  talk  about  them  to?  And  if  he 
doesn't  talk  about  them  in  a  bedroom,  where  is  he  to 
talk  about  them? 

LUCIA 

[Primly]     Why  talk  about  them  at  all? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Why?  Simply  because  they  have  to  be  talked 
about.  [With  growing  irascibility]  Don't  their  but 
tons  come  off?  Don't  they  get  lost  in  the  wash? 
Don't  they  shrink?  Don't  they  split  up  the  back? 
Don't  they  tickle? 

LUCIA 

Well,  why  didn't  you  let  me  know  it? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Know  what? 

LUCIA 

That  their  buttons  were  off,  and — 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  87 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  they  are  not  off.  I  was  merely  arguing.  I 
used  an  illustration.  As  we  Christians  say,  I  spoke  in 
a  parable. 

LUCIA 

I  think  you  are  exciting  yourself  for  nothing.  You 
are  tired  out.  Why  don't  you  go  to  sleep? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Wearily']  Yes,  there  seems  to  be  nothing  else  to 
do.  My  trouble  used  to  be  that  I  didn't  get  sleep 
enough.  But  now — !  [He  composes  himself 
heavily,  and  for  a  moment  there  is  silence.  He  then 
tosses  in  bed  and  fusses  with  the  bed-clothes,  mutter 
ing  under  his  breath  and  whining]  I've  got  a  stom 
ach-ache. 

LUCIA 

[Raising  herself  and  gazing  at  him]  Are  you  cold, 
Caesar? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Bitterly]  Who'd  care  if  I  froze  to  death?  .  .  . 
And  why  do  you  persist  in  always  calling  me  Ccesar? 
It's  so  darned  stiff  and  unbedroomy.  My  old  wives 
used  to  call  me  pet  names — like  Helio  and  Gabby. 

LUCIA 

[After  a  pause,  archly]  Would  you  really  like 
me  to  kiss  you? 


88  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    II 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  sits  up  quickly,  and  stares  at  her]  Say  that 
again.  Louder. 

LUCIA 

Would  you  really  like  me  to  kiss  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[With  a  sigh]  You  say  it  just  as  you  might  say, 
"Will  you  have  another  plate  of  fish-soup?" 

LUCIA 
But  would  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Meditatively]  Well,  I  dare  say  it  might  make  me 
forget  my  stomach-ache — if  it  was  a  real  kiss.  [  With 
elaborate  manner]  Am  I  to  understand  that  you  have 
an  itch  in  that  direction? 

LUCIA 
[Taken  aback]     Itch? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Pardon  an  old  soldier,  little  moonstone.  I  should 
say  an  inclination,  an  impulse — a  prompting. 

LUCIA 

[Getting  out  of  bed]  Now  I'll  show  you,  Caesar, 
that  I  do  love  you,  with  a  Christian  love. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Somewhat  at  a  loss]  Positively,  darling,  you 
alarm  me. 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  89 

[She  has  got  to  HELIOGABALUS'  bed  by  now.  She 
enters  the  space  between  the  two  beds,  and  he  sits 
up  and  takes  her  by  the  waist ] 

LUCIA 

There! 

[She  kisses  him — but  very  formally  and  briefly] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Ah! 

LUCIA 

Now,  Caesar,  you  know  I  love  you. 

HELIOGABALUS 

No;  so  far  I  merely  suspect  it.  What  is  needed  is 
corroboration.  Now  for  another,  sweet  icebox — and 
let  it  be  a  bit  more  easy  and  dreamy.  Let  yourself  go 
a  bit.  Don't  hold  your  breath.  Don't — forgive  me, 
little  one — be  so  gol-darned  Christian. 

[A  long  one,  during  ivhich,  his  arms  about  her, 
LUCIA  tries  to  fight  away  from  him.  As  they  fall 
apart  LUCL\  grasps  the  bed  for  support] 

LUCIA 

[Her  hands  to  her  face]     Oh! 

HELIOGABALUS 

You  may  well  say  "Oh!"  Many  a  woman  lives 
and  dies  without  ever  getting  such  a  kiss. 

LUCIA 

[Startled]     It  took  my  breath, 


90  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Not  without  pride]  I  dare  say.  [Hospitably] 
But  aren't  you  chilly  out  there?  Why  not  come  in? 

LUCIA 

[Suddenly  covering  her  face  with  her  hands]  Oh, 
those  other  women!  Those  awful  women! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Patting  her  shoulder]  Forget  them!  I  expunge 
them  from  the  minutes!  I'll  get  rid  of  them — all  of 
them! 

[At  this,  PAULA,  who  has  been  concealed  under  HE 
LIOGABALUS'  bed,  suddenly  pops  out  her  head. 
HELIOGABALUS  and  LUCIA,  of  course,  cannot  see 
her.  Her  face  mirrors  the  utmost  indignation 
and  she  strains  her  head  to  hear  better] 

LUCIA 

All  of  them?     Even  that  fat  old  Paula? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Purge  your  mind  of  all  concern,  darling.  I'll  have 
Paula  poisoned  in  the  morning.  She  has  lived  too 
long. 

LUCIA 

[Horrified]  Oh,  never!  I  won't  have  her  poi 
soned. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  then,  I'll  marry  her  off  to  old  Caius  Macri- 
nus — and  ship  them  both  to  Persia. 


ACT    1 1]     HELIOGABALUS 91 

LUCIA 

But  the  others? 

HELIOGABALUS 

I'll  marry  off  the  whole  crowd  to  Caius.  The  old 
souse  deserves  it. 

LUCIA 

[Insinuatingly}    Even  that  pretty  one — that  Dacia? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  either  marry  her  off  [weakening]  or  send  her 
home  to  her  mama.  But  enough  of  this.  You'll 
catch  your  death  of  cold. 

LUCIA 

[Without  warmth,  as  if  speaking  to  her  father]  Is 
there  room? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  surely.  [He  moves  over  and  she  climbs  in] 
Let  me  help  you.  [He  gives  her  a  hand  and  she 
craivls  under  the  covers.  He  then  puts  his  arm  around 
her,  and  they  sit  up  together]  After  all,  confess  that 
this  is  better  than  the  farm  over  there.  Now  isn't  it? 
When  I  crawl  in  there  I  feel  like  a  lost  orphan.  Do 
you  remember  how  I  mislaid  you  the  other  night?  I 
thought  you  had  fallen  out  of  bed,  but  there  you  were 
all  the  while,  eighteen  feet  away.  And  now — 

[Another  kiss] 

LUCIA 
Caesar,  you  are  so — 


92 HELIOGABALUS     [Acx   II 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Puffing  out  his  chest}  I  thought  you'd  like  it. 
But  it  really  takes  me  some  time  to  get  into  form. 
Now  tell  me  the  truth:  this  is  really  nicer  than  pray 
ing,  isn't  it? 

LUCIA 

[Tremulously]     I'm  afraid  it  is — sometimes. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Afraid  it  is?     What  are  you  afraid  of? 

LUCIA 

[Relapsing  into  the  Christian]  We  are  taught 
that— 

HELIOGABALUS 

Now  there  you  go  with  that  Christianity  again! 
You  are  taught,  are  you?  Well,  I'll  teach  you  some 
thing  easier  to  learn.  I  am  the  old  professor!  Now 
to  proceed  with  the  lesson — 

[Another  kiss.  Toward  its  end  there  is  a  knock  at 
the  door.  HELIOGABALUS  draws  back  and 
glances  over  his  shoulder,  but  quickly  resumes 
the  buss.  Another  knock] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  a  sudden  rage]  Say,  what  do  they  think  this 
is?  A  farce?  If  it's  that  old  interrupting  wheeze 
Rufinius  again,  off  go  both  his  legs!  And  both  ears! 
And  maybe  a  bud  or  two  of  nose! 


ACT    II]     HELIOGABALUS 93 

[LUCIA  in  terror  leaps  from  the  bed  and  into  her 
own  bed.  Another  knock  at  the  door] 

LUCIA 

You  had  better  let  him  in.  If  it  wasn't  important, 
he  surely  wouldn't  risk  his  life. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Obviously  impressed  by  the  notion]  Maybe  you 
are  right.  But  let  me  take  at  least  one  more  shot  at 
him  as  he  conies  in.  I  won't  kill  him.  All  I  want  to 
do  is  to  cripple  him.  [Gets  out  of  bed,  but  before  he 
can  find  a  missile,  there  is  yet  another  knock,  this  time 
very  urgent,  and  he  gives  it  up]  Come  in! 

[The  door  opens  ever  so  little.  RUFINIUS  thrusts 
his  hand  through  the  crack.  When  nothing 
strikes  it,  he  folloivs  with  his  head,  very  warily. 
As  he  comes  in  PAULA  draws  in  her  head] 

RUFINIUS 
Your  Majesty's  pardon!     I  ask  pardon! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Severely]     Well,  alarm  clock? 

RUFINIUS 

A  very  important  matter.  [He  glances  about  him, 
his  eyes  alighting  on  LUCIA]  For  your  Majesty's 
private  ear.  Perhaps  it  would  be  better — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Let's  hear  it. 


94 HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T   II 

RUFINIUS 

[He  comes  closer}     I  really  think — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Testily]      Go  on  with  your  story,  kill- joy. 

[RUFINIUS  drops  his  voice  so  that  his  words  are  not 
audible.  The  purport  of  the  dialogue  must  be 
revealed  by  HELIOGABALUS'  answers  and  exclama 
tions.  While  it  is  elaborately  going  on,  with  the 
backs  of  both  turned  to  the  bed,  PAULA  pokes  out 
her  head  and  listens  intently.  LUCIA,  sitting  up 
in  bed,  also  tries  hard  to  hear,  but  it  is  improbable 
that  she  catches  more  than  an  occasional  word] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Aloud]  Make  it  short.  I'm  very  busy.  [RU 
FINIUS  whispers,  and  HELIOGABALUS  suddenly  grows 
interested  and  somewhat  alarmed]  What  do  they 
want?  ...  I  thought  they  were  all  sound  asleep 
over  in  the  North  Wing.  ...  She  isnt?  What!  A 
riot — and  Paula  not  in  it?  Then  where  is  she?  .  .  . 
Go  find  her.  I  know  she's  behind  it.  ...  And  get 
the  rest  to  bed.  Drunk  or  sober,  get  them  to  bed. 
.  .  .  Tell  them  I  absolutely  order  it. 

[A  noise  outside,  and  a  woman9 s  scream] 

LUCIA 

[From  the  bed,  in  alarm]     What  was  that? 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  95 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Over  his  shoulder,   reassuringly]      Nothing,   my 
dear.     Stay  in  bed  like  a  nice  girl. 

LUCIA 
[Half  out]      You  are  having  some  one  killed! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Bosh!     Stay  in  bed!      [To  RUFINIUS]      Get  them 
back  in  the  North  Wing,  and  post  a  guard  at — 

[He  is  cut  short  by  a  terrific  uproar  outside* 
Women  screaming.  The  sound  of  a  bugle.  The 
clank  of  swords.  Loud  and  prolonged  military 
orders.  A  man's  voice:  "Let  go!"  A  wo 
man's:  "Stick  him  in  the  eye!" 

[HELIOGABALUS  and  RUFINIUS  turn  toward  the  closed 
door  and  gape  at  it  dumbfounded,  apparently  dis 
inclined  to  open  it  and  face  the  music.  As  they 
move  toward  it  irresolutely,  PAULA  rolls  from 
under  the  bed,  leaps  to  hen  feet,  dashes  betiveen 
them,  blows  a  loud  whistle,  gets  to  the  door,  and 
throws  it  open] 

PAULA 

Come  in,  girls!     I  am  with  you! 

[At  this,  LUCIA,  still  in  bed,  screams  shrilly,  and 
HELIOGABALUS  and  RUFINIUS  fall  back.  As  the 
door  swings  open  C^LESTIS  bounds  in  with  a 
Prcetorian  guard  dragging  behind  her.  At  sight 
of  the  imperial  bedchamber,  he  is  so  far  overcome 
that  he  lets  go  and  rushes  out  again.  In  the  door- 


96  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

way,  he  collides  with  AQUILIA  SEVERA,  ANNIA 
FAUSTINA  and  ALINIA,  all  in  a  great  state  of  ex 
citement.  They  knock  him  over,  and  leap  into 
the  room,  glaring  about  them  truculently] 

PAULA 

[Levelling  a  melodramatic  forefinger  at  HELIOGA 
BALUS]  There  he  is!  He  was  plotting  to  poison  all 
of  us! 

[Obviously,  PAULA  strikes  HELIOGABALUS  with  a 
good  deal  of  terror.  He  backs  away  from  her, 
and  keeps  a  safe  distance  while  she  declaims. 
She  takes  the  centre  of  the  stage  at  once,  the 
other  wives  grouped  behind  her.  After  her  ac 
cusation  there  is  a  moment  of  electric  silence. 
She  fixes  HELIOGABALUS  with  a  glare] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Weakly]     Oh,  surely  you  exaggerate.     I — 

PAULA 

Me  first,  and  then  the  rest  of  you.  I  heard  it  with 
my  own  ears.  And  I  heard  a  lot  besides.  Such 
talk!  I  lay  there  under  the  bed  blushing. 

LUCIA 

[Sitting  up  in  bed]  You  ought  to  blush,  you — 
you — you — 

[She  is  overcome  by  indignation] 

PAULA 

Out  of  my  bed,  you — you — you! 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  97 

LUCIA 

You — you — you — ! 

PAULA 

No  more  of  this  Christian  monkey-business!  Into 
the  street  you  go,  where  you  came  from ! 

LUCIA 
Do  you  dare — ! 

PAULA 

Yes,  the  street.  I  saw  you  myself.  I  saw  you 
haranguing  those  loafers,  and  singing  songs,  and 
passing  a  soup-plate  for  coppers. 

LUCIA 

[Leaping  from  bed}  I  refuse  to  allow  you  to  say 
that.  I  was  preaching  the  Word.  I  was  seeking 
souls. 

PAULA 

[Moving  toward  her  truculently]  Um-hum!  I 
know  what  you  were  seeking.  You  had  one  eye  on 
the  Palace  all  the  while. 

LUCIA 

[In  high  indignation]  There  is  not  a  word  of  truth 
in  it.  It  is  infamous. 

PAULA 

Bah! 

THE    OTHER    WIVES 

Bah!     Bah! 


98  HELIOGABALUS      [AcxII 

LUCIA 

I  was  on  my  Master's  business. 

PAULA 

And  I  am  here  on  my  own  business.     I'll  give  you 
two  minutes  to  get  out  of  this  room — and  stay  out. 
[HELIOGABALUS,  observing  that  both  sides  have  for 
gotten  him,  gives  a  sardonic  wink  and  tiptoes  up 
stage  toward  his  bed.     He  carefully  and  quietly 
crawls  in,  fixes  the  pillow  behind  him,  and  settles 
down  to  observe  the  row.     RUFINIUS  sneaks  to 
ward  the  door] 

LUCIA 

Never  in  the  world !  This  is  my  room  now.  It  has 
been  sanctified! 

PAULA 

Sanctified  nothing.  It's  my  room — our  room. 
You  never  were  legally  married  to  the  Emperor.  You 
are  nothing  but  a — 

LUCIA 

Oh,  what  a  lie!     I  was  married  by  my  own  pastor. 

PAULA 

Yes,  by  one  of  your  Christian  street-preachers. 
I've  seen  him!  He  looks  like  a  drum-major.  But 
this  is  Rome,  and — 

LUCIA 

[Explosively]  Well,  when  it  comes  to  that,  what 
of  yourself?  Where  did  you  come  from?  Doesn't 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  99 

everybody  know  that  you  were  a  chamber-maid  in 
Alexandria? 

PAULA 

[Sputtering]  I  was  nothing  of  the  sort,  you — ! 
My  father  was  a  general  in  the  army. 

ANNIA 

My  father  was  Governor  of  Macedonia. 

LUCIA 

[Leaping  at  the  chance]      Oh,  was  he?     And  who 
was  your  first  husband? 
[The  boaster  is  abashed] 

LUCIA 

I'll  tell  you.  His  name  was  Pomponius  Bassus— 
and  he  was  hanged. 

[The  boaster  begins  to  snivel,  and  PAULA  comes  to 
the  rescue] 

PAULA 

[Grandly]  And  he  deserved  it.  The  way  he 
treated  that  poor,  dear — 

LUCIA 

Yes,  and  he  was  hanged  six  weeks  after  that  hussy 
came  here  and  tempted  poor  Caesar. 
[HELIOGABALUS  tarns  over  in  the  bed] 

PAULA 

A  thumping  lie!  I  remember  every  detail  of  it. 
It  wasn't  six  weeks  at  all  ...  And  now  you  throw 
on  your  clothes  and  get  out  of  here!  Out  with  you! 


100 HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

LUCIA 

I  shall  do  absolutely  nothing  of  the  sort. 

PAULA 

This  free  love  stuff  has  got  to  stop.  And  it's  my 
place  to  see  that  it — 

LUCIA 

It's  your  place  to  turn  all  these  heathen  women  out 
of  the  palace,  and  then  turn  yourself  out,  and  so  save 
the  Emperor  from  such  sinful — 

PAULA 

You're  a  common  man-teaser. 

LUCIA 
You  are  an  old  scare-crow! 

PAULA 
I'll  have  you  thrown  out  of  the  door! 

LUCIA 

I'll  have  you  thrown  out  of  the  window! 

PAULA 
You  are  a  loose  woman! 

LUCIA 

You  used  to  be  a  loose  woman! 

[The  shot  injures  poor  old  PAULA  so  badly  that  she 
jumps  at  LUCIA  and  grabs  her  by  the  arm,  shak 
ing  her  furiously] 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALtfS  101 

PAULA 

I  dare  you  to  say  such  a  thing! 

LUCIA 

Let  me  go,  you — you — infidel!  I'll — 
[She  wrests  herself  free  and  deals  PAULA  a  clout 
over  the  head.  PAULA  lunges  at  her  with  vast 
ferocity,  but  she  quickly  delivers  another  blow. 
A  huge  uproar.  HELIOGABALUS  stretches  his  neck 
to  see  it.  RUFINIUS  several  times  steps  fonvard 
as  if  to  interfere,  but  always  thinks  better  of  it. 
PAULA  has  the  advantage  of  weight,  but  LUCIA  is 
by  far  the  more  agile.  Various  shrill  exclama 
tions  "Oh,  you  will,  will  you?  Take  that! 
Ouch!  Oh,  my  ear!  Whoop!"  etc.  To  the  ex 
treme  right,  beyond  the  large  bed,  is  the  fleet  of 
coat-racks,  each  enormously  laden  with  feminine 
finery.  PAULA  backs  LUCIA  into  them,  but 
straightway  comes  to  grief  herself,  for  LUCIA 
upsets  the  nearest  upon  her,  and,  when  she  falls, 
heaves  another  after  it.  PAULA,  completely 
buried  in  clothes,  yells  for  help,  and  the  three 
other  wives,  who  have  so  far  done  no  more  than 
encourage  her  with  shouts,  now  come  to  the  at 
tack.  LUCIA,  leaping  behind  another  rack, 
pushes  it  at  them,  and  it  halts  them.  Then, 
seeing  herself  outdone  by  numbers,  she  calls  for 
help  herself] 

LUCIA 
Oh,  oh!     Help!     Help,  Caesar!     Save  me! 


•102  •   l    -H-ELIOGABALUS    [ACT  n 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Crawling  from  the  bed  quietly  and  idiotically] 
Did  I  hear  you  call?  What's  the  trouble?  Have 
you  dropped  something? 

LUCIA 

[At  the  top  of  her  lungs]  These  filthy  creatures 
are  trying  to  kill  me! 

PAULA 

[Under  the  pile  of  clothes]     She  bit  me! 

[The  other  wives  unearth  PAULA  and  stand  her  on 
her  feet.  It  is  seen  that  she  has  a  black  eye. 
LUCIA  retreats  to  the  door  at  the  left  and  stands 
there  at  bay.  The  other  wives  haul  PAULA  to- 
ward  the  centre  of  the  stage.  HELIOGABALUS 
crosses  to  a  place  between  LUCIA  and  the  others] 

LUCIA 
[Hysterically]     That  old  washtub  tried  to  stab  me. 

PAULA 

[Breaking  from  the  others,  her  hand  on  her  black 
eye]  It's  a  dirty  lie!  She  kicked  me  in  the — 

LUCIA 

She  called  me  awful  names! 

C^ELESTIS 

I  saw  her  draw  a  dagger! 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  103 

HELIOGABALUS 

Stop!  Be  quiet!  What  sort  of  bar-room  row  is 
this?  Do  you  know  where  you  are? 

PAULA 

I  am  in  my  own  room.     This  room  is  mine. 

AQUILIA 

And  ours. 

PAULA 

Yes,  and  theirs. 

LUCIA 
[Furiously]     It's  mine! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Decisively]  It's  mine.  [Coolly,  with  judicial 
poise]  And  it  wouldn't  be  going  too  far,  ladies,  to 
say  that  I  am  scandalized  by  such  proceedings.  I 
really  am.  In  all  my  experience,  embracing  many 
long  years  and  the  whole  Roman  empire,  from  Britain 
in  the  far  North  to  Persia  in  the  extreme — 

PAULA 

[Bursting  into  tears]  You  bring  in  a  woman  off 
the  streets — 

LUCIA 

[In  tears,  too]  You  let  an  old  unbelieving  harri 
dan,  a  disreputable  old — 

HELIOGABALUS 

As  I  was  saying,  ladies,  in  all  my — 


104  HELIOGABALUS      [AcxII 

PAULA 

I  demand  that  that  creature  be  put  out! 

LUCIA 
I  demand  my  rights  as  your  wife! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Really,  my  dear,  you  must  excuse  me.  On  this 
point  the  principles  of  jurisprudence  are  quite  clear. 
A  judge  is  plainly  forbidden  to  sit  in  a  case  in  which 
he  has  an  interest.  If  he  has  an  interest  in  one  side 
it  is  enough.  If  he  has  an  interest  in  both  sides,  then 
surely — 

LUCIA 

Both  sides? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Exactly. 

LUCIA 

Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  are  interested  in  the 
side  of  this — this  fat  old — this — ? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Rid  your  mind  of  prejudice,  my  dear.  Observe 
the  thing  calmly  and  judicially.  Granting  all  you 
say — though  I  am  by  no  means  granting  it — the  fact 
remains  nevertheless  that  according  to  Roman — if  not 
Christian — law,  I  am  married  to  this  lady — these 
ladies — and  that  that  marriage — those  marriages — 
is  and  are  still  legally  binding.  With  the  fact  go  cer 
tain  obligations.  I  may  deplore,  as  much  as  you  do, 
their  somewhat  unwise  and  emotional  appear — 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  105 

LUCIA 

Oh,  what  a — ! 

HELIOGABALUS 

All  I  ask  is  that  you  try  to — 
LUCIA 

Then  you  don't  love  me. 

ANNIA 

The  idea! 

HELIOGABALUS 
I  protest,  my  dear,  that— 

LUCIA 

[Bursting  into  tears}  Then  you  don't  love  me! 
Then  you  told  me  a  falsehood!  You  aren't  a  Chris 
tian!  I— I— I- 

[Quite  undone  by  her  feelings,  she  suddenly  hides 
her  face  in  her  hands,  darts  to  the  left-hand  door, 
swings  it  open,  runs  out,  and  slams  it  after  her} 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Starting  toward  the  door  after  her}  My  dear 
girl,  I- 

PAULA 

[Resolutely}     Let  her  go! 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  she'll  catch  cold  out  there.  Remember,  she 
has  on  a  very  light — 


106  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

C^ELESTIS 

Very  light  nothing.  It's  flannel.  Anyway,  she  de 
serves  to  catch  cold. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Really,  Caelestis,  you  are  quite  savage. 

PAULA 

Who  wouldn't  be,  the  way  we  have  been  treated? 
[Conciliatingly]  But  I  say  nothing  against  you. 
I  know  how  you  are  when  such  a  minx  gets  after  you. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Let  us  not  discuss  it. 

PAULA 

[Bitterly]  No;  what's  the  use?  I  have  had 
eighteen  years  of  it — first  in  the  East  and  now  here 
in  Rome.  I  know  you  can't  help  it,  poor  old  dear. 
One  glance  at  such  a  doll  and  you  are  gone.  [To  the 
other  wives]  And  now  let  us  try  to  forget  it.  It's 
getting  late. 

[Instantly  they  begin  to  take  off  their  outer  gar 
ments  and  let  down  their  hair] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  alarm]     What  are  you  doing? 

PAULA 

[Grimly]  Getting  ready  to  go  to  bed.  We  are 
sleepy. 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  107 

HELIOGABALUS 

But,  my  dear — look,  there  is  Rufinius  still  in  the 
room! 

[The  wives  glance  at  RUFINIUS,  scream  and  try  to 
hide  themselves.  RUFINIUS,  much  embarrassed, 
ducks  out  of  the  door] 

PAULA 

[  With  a  bitter  grin]     Well,  now  he's  gone. 
[She  continues  disrobing] 

HELIOGABALUS 

But,  but — this  is  really  quite  irregular.  Let  us 
wait  until  we  are  all  a  bit  less  excited,  as  it  were. 
Now  be  a  good  girl.  [Wheedlingly]  Go  back  to  bed 
in  the  North  Wing,  and  let  me  collect  my  thoughts  a 
bit. 

PAULA 

Here  I  am,  and  here  I  stay. 

[She  throws  her  girdle  over  one  of  the  coat-racks] 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  in  a  minute  Lucia'll  be  coming  back,  and  then — 
[He  frantically  begins  dressing  and  racing  against 
the  undressers] 

PAULA 

If  she  comes  back,  I'll  bite  her  again. 
[She  kicks  off  her  sandals] 


108  HELIOGABALUS     [AcxII 

AQUILIA 

[Emerging  in  nothing  save  a  short  shift]     Do  you 
think  we  would  sleep  in  a  bed  with  such  a  creature? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Drawing  his  tunic  over  his  head  in  wild  alarm] 
But  the  poor  girl  must  sleep  somewhere. 

PAULA 

Let  her  sleep  out  in  the  corridor. 

[She  drops  her  outer  dress  and  stands  forth  in  a 
grotesque  chemise,  decorated  with  little  blue  rib- 
bons.  The  sight  so  far  appals  HELIOGABALUS 
that  disgust  is  converted  into  indignation  and  in 
dignation  into  resolution] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Very  well,  then.     If  she  must  sleep  out  there,  then 
/  sleep  out  there  too! 

[He  is  now  pretty  fully  dressed  and  struggles  into 
his  sandals] 

PAULA 

[Somewhat  shaken]     You're  not  going  to  leave  us? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Adjusting  his  tunic]     I  am  going  to  leave  us! 

PAULA 

Leave  us  here  all  alone? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Aren't  there  four  of  you? 


ACT    1 1]     HELIOGABALUS  109 

PAULA 

But  with  not  a  man  in  the  room? 

ANNIA 

[Whimpering]     Suppose   burglars    should    break 
in? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Sarcastically]     Paula  can  deal  with  them. 

PAULA 

[In  tears]     No,  I  can't! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Then  let  Rufinius  come  in.     He  can  have  my  bed. 

PAULA 

[With  a  yell]     The  idea!     Do  you  accuse  me  of— 

HELIOGABALUS 

[At  the  door  to  the  extreme  left]      I  accuse  you  of 
nothing.      [Opening  the  door]      And  now— 

[As  he  throws  the  door  open,  LUCIA  is  revealed '} 
She  has  been  eavesdropping  and  is  much  dis 
traught] 

LUCIA 
[/ft  a  faint  voice]      I  am  cold. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Uncertainly]      I  was  just  coming  out  to — 

LUCIA 

[Catching  sight  of  the  wives — PAULA  in  the  middle 
of  the  floor  in  her  chemise  and  the  other  three  in 


110  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

bed — she  gives  a  scream  and  totters  toward  the 
centre  of  the  stage.  There  she  does  a  grand 
faint  at  PAULA'S  feet] 

PAULA 

[Leaping  back]     Oh,  my  God! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Solemnly]     You  have  killed  her.     She  has  frozen 
to  death. 

PAULA 

[Alarmed]      I  did  nothing  of  the  sort.     She  went 
out  of  her  own  free  will. 

AQUILIA 
[Jumping  from  bed]      Get  her  into  bed,  quick! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Reaching  down  and  grabbing  her  under  the  arms] 
Get  her  into  my  bed. 

[The  other  wives  pile  out,  and  help  PAULA  and  HELI 
OGABALUS  to  carry  her  to  his  bed] 

PAULA 

[Snivelling']     I  wouldn't  have  hurt  her  for  the 
world. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Tell  Rufinius  to  get  those  two  doctors  I  pardoned. 
[PAULA,  still  in  her  chemise,  rushes  to  the  door, 
flings  it  open  and  exits] 

C;ELESTIS 
Rub  her  wrists. 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  111 

ANNIA 

Have  you  a  key?  Try  a  key  at  the  back  of  her 
neck. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Cover  her  up! 

AQUILIA 
Try  massaging  her  ears. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Go  get  some  water. 

[AQUILIA  rushes  to  the  door,  flinging  it  open  just  in 
time  to  admit  PISO  and  POLORUS.  They  come  in 
at  a  gallop,  followed  by  RUFINIUS,  PAULA  and  a 
slave  pushing  a  wheeled  table  covered  with  huge 
bottles,  rolls  of  plasters,  etc.  The  scene  must 
move  at  lightning  speed] 

PISO 

[Idiotically,  in  great  excitement]  Which  is  the  pa 
tient?  [He  looks  from  one  wife  to  another,  and  then 
observes  LUCIA  on  the  bed]  Ah! 

POLORUS 
[Crowding  to  the  front]     Pass  me  the  brandy. 

PISO 
Brandy?     On  what  theory? 

POLORUS 

This  is  no  time  for  theories,  idiot!  The  patient 
needs  help. 


112  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 

PISO 

Well,  how  are  you  going  to  help  her  until  you  es 
tablish  the  diagnosis? 

POLORUS 

What  could  be  plainer?     A  horse-doctor  could  see 
that  she  has  fainted. 

[He  proceeds  to  pour  out  a  large  drink  of  the 
brandy] 

PISO 

[Very  learnedly]     Suppose  it  is  coma?     Suppose 
she  has  been  poisoned? 
[PAULA  gives  a  shriek] 

POLORUS 

Nonsense!     Then  where  is  your  cyanosis? 
[He  proceeds  to  lift  LUCIA'S  head  and  pour  some  of 
the  brandy  into  her  mouth] 

PISO 

Stop!     I  forbid  it! 

[During  this  rapid  dialogue  the  three  other  wives 

flutter  about,   and   HELIOGABALUS   and   PAULA 

crowd  close  to  the  bed] 

POLORUS 

[Continuing  with  the  brandy]     I  stand  on  my  Hip- 
pocratic  oath.     I  insist  on  the  brandy. 

PISO 

I  appeal  to  your  decency.     Don't  kill  the  patient. 
[PAULA  screams  again]     Let  me  feel  her  pulse. 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  113 

POLORUS 

Stand  back!     You  are  suffocating  her! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Losing  patience]  Here,  fools!  Give  me  the  gob 
let. 

[He  seizes  it  and  pours  half  of  its  contents  down 
LUCL\'S  throat.  She  gasps,  coughs,  gags  and 
then  gradually  sits  up.  As  she  opens  her  eyes 
she  sights  PAULA] 

LUCIA 

[An  exclamation  of  terror]  Oh!  Oh!  Take  her 
away! 

[PAULA  hops  back  in  great  confusion] 

PAULA 
[Ingratiatingly]     Don't  be  afraid,  dearie. 

LUCIA 

[Screams]     She  tried  to  stab  me! 

PAULA 

[In  great  excitement]  The  idea!  I  never  did  any 
thing — 

LUCIA 

I  can  see  the  devil  standing  behind  her! 
[PAULA  swings  about  quickly  to  look  behind  her, 

loses  her  balance,  throws  up  her  arms,  and  falls 

down  with  a  crash] 


114  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T   1 1 

PAULA 

Help! 

POLORUS 

[Rushing  to  the  rescue]     Brandy!     Brandy! 
[A  great  hub-bub.     The  wives  crowd  around] 

PISO 
[Shrilly,  over  the  tumult]     I  forbid  it! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Give  her  air! 

[POLORUS  applies  the  brandy  jug  to  PAULA'S  lips 
and  she  begins  to  gurgle,  gag  and  blubber] 

PAULA 

[Still  gasping,  and  rising  to  a  sitting  position  on  the 
floor]  That  Christian  tried  to  put  a  spell  on  me. 
She  has  the  evil  eye. 

LUCIA 

[Shrilly,  from  the  bed]  There  are  devils  in  her! 
She  is  like  the  Gadarene  swine. 

PAULA 

[Struggling  to  her  feet,  assisted  by  the  doctors,  the 
other  wives  and  HELIOGABALUS]  Liar! 

LUCIA 

She  is  possessed  by  demons,  Caesar. 

PAULA 

[Again  in  great  fright]  Let  me  out  of  here!  I 
feel  something  coming  over  me! 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS  115 

AQUILIA 

I  feel  it,  too.     I — I — 

[She  flops  across  the  big  bed.  POLORUS  leaps  to 
the  rescue  with  the  brandy- jug,  but  as  he  reaches 
her  she  sits  up  and  knocks  it  out  of  his  hand] 

PISO 

[Prancing  about]  Where  is  the  ammonia?  Who 
has  the  ammonia  bottle? 

[He  searches  for  it  on  the  wheeled  table,  but  can't 
find  it] 

PAULA 

Let  me  out !     Let  me  out ! 

POLORUS 

Ammonia  your  grandmother!  Where  are  the  seda 
tives?  Who  took  the  poppy-water?  Where  is  the 
poppy-water? 

[He  makes  a  wild  search  for  it] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Quietly]  I  think  you're  right.  They  need  some 
thing  to  calm  their  nerves.  [He  finds  and  seizes  the 
bottle]  Ah,  here  it  is!  Ammonia  would  half  kill 
them. 

PISO 
I  protest! 

PAULA 

I  want  to  get  out  of  here. 
[RUFINIUS  tries  to  calm  her] 


116  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

One  second,  darling.  [As  POLORUS  offers  her  a 
goblet  of  the  poppy-water]  Now  be  a  nice  little  girl, 
and  swallow  this  medicine.  It  will  make  you  dream 
beautifully. 

PAULA 

[Dubiously]     What  is  it,  doctor? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Never  ask  a  doctor  what  anything  is.  Remember 
your  manners.  He  mightn't  know.  It  will  make  you 
dream  that  you  are  seventeen,  and  in  love  with  a 
gladiator. 

PAULA 

You're  sure  it  won't  hurt  me? 

POLORUS 
Oh,  absolutely  no. 

PISO 

I- 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  PISO]  Silence!  [To  PAULA]  Now  down 
with  it. 

[She  drinks  it,  and  at  once  grows  somewhat  calmer. 
Gradually  she  succumbs,  and  by  the  time  she  goes 
out  she  is  very  sleepy] 

PAULA 

[Smacking  her  lips]     It  tastes  like — it  tastes  like — 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS 117 

POLORUS 

Exactly.     And  now  for  the  other  ladies.     Who's 
next? 

HELIOGABALUS 
[Sharply]      Caelestis! 

[The  wife  on  the  bed  struggles  up  and  comes  for 
ward] 

POLORUS 
[ The  goblet  in  hand]     Ready? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Shut  your  eyes! 

[C;ELESTIS  swallows  the  dose  without  a  word] 

POLORUS 
[Refilling  the  goblet]     Next! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Come,  Aquilia. 

AQUILIA 

[Doubtfully]      It  won't  make  me  fat? 

POLORUS 

Oh,  surely  not. 

AQUILIA 

You're  positive? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Positive.     Down  with  it.      [She  swallows  the  dose] 
And  now  little  Annia.     One,  two,  three! 


118  HELIOGABALUS      [AcxII 

[POLORUS  fills  the  goblet  again  and  it  goes  down 
immediately] 

POLORUS 
»     Ah!     So  much  for  that! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Herding  the  wives  toward  the  door]  And  now 
you  girls  try  to  get  some  rest,  and  leave  the  doctors 
with  poor  Lucia.  I'm  afraid  it  may  be  a  case  for  im 
mediate  operation.  They'll  have  to  examine  her  from 
head  to  foot. 

LUCIA 

[From  the  bed]  I  won't  have  any  operation!  I 
won't  be  examined  from  head  to  foot!  The  power  of 
the  spirit  is  enough. 

PISO 

Oh,  hardly. 

LUCIA 

[Petulantly'}     I  refuse  to  be  cut  up! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Now,  now,  be  calm.  Look  at  the  other  girls.  [To 
PAULA]  And  now  try  to  get  some  rest.  I'll  come  out 
to  see  you  immediately  after  the  operation.  [Mov 
ing  her  toward  the  door,  the  others  following]  Take 
things  easily  for — 

PAULA 

I  feel  so — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  yes,  but  you'll  feel  better  presently. 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  119 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  POLORUS  in  a  hoarse  whisper]  Give  them  all 
another  dose — a  double  dose.  Especially  Paula. 
She  has  the  stomach  of  a  policeman. 

[The  wives  wobble  out,  followed  by  POLORUS,  the 
slave  with  the  table  of  medicines,  and  RUFINIUS. 
Only  PISO  remains] 

PISO 

[Ingratiatingly]  Your  Majesty's  excellent  sug 
gestion  of  an  operation  is — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Turning  with  great  deliberation,  and  kicking  PISO 
in  the  rear]  Out! 

[PISO,  after  an  instant  of  amazement,  leaps  for  the 
door  and  disappears] 

LUCIA 

That  Paula  is  an  old  hyena,  Caesar.  She  tried  to 
bite  me. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  seats  himself  on  the  edge  of  the  big  bed,  his 
legs  swinging  in  the  open  space  between  the  two  beds. 
His  manner  is  that  of  iveariness  and  resignation] 
Yes,  she's  somewhat — explosive.  I  am  afraid  she's 
sometimes  unwise  in  the  use  of  —  er,  stimulants? 

LUCIA 

Afraid?  She's  been  drunk  for  months — ever 
since — 


120  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  she's  taken  it  very  hard. 

LUCIA 

[Somewhat  oratorically]  Wine  is  a  mocker. 
Strong  drink  is  raging. 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  mocker,  yes — but  also  a  consoler.  Don't 
forget  that  poor  old  Paula  must  have  time  to  get  used 
to  things.  I  daresay  the  new  regulations  rather  op 
press  her. 

LUCIA 

You  mean  she  longs  for  all  those  old  dissipations— 
those  banquets  every  night,  and  all  that  worldly  carnal 
ity — and  this  room  full  of  those  awful  women? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Exactly,  though  I  doubt  that  she'd  describe  it  in  just 
that  way.  You  see,  she  was  brought  up  in  Alexandria 
— a  rather  lively  burg.  It's  all  a  matter  of  training. 
Here  she  had  certain  responsibilities,  certain  inter 
esting  duties — 

LUCIA 

Yes,  I  know  what  those  duties  -were.  They  were 
sinful  in  the  sight  of  God. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Perhaps.  Nevertheless,  they  occupied  her  mind. 
Let  us  be  just  to  her.  She  was  competent.  She  knew 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  121 

her  business.     I  never  had  any  trouble  with  those  girls 
while  she  was  in  charge  of  them. 

LUCIA 

Those  scarlet  women! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Now  you  are  exaggerating.  They  are  all  quite  re 
spectable.  My  marriage  to  every  one  of  them  is,  as 
I've  told  you,  sound  in  Roman  law. 

LUCIA 

But  not  in  the  eye  of  God.  The  Scripture  says  "A 
bishop  shall  have  but  one  wife." 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  I'm  not  a  bishop. 

LUCIA 

Well,  surely  no  one  ought  to  be  allowed  more  wives 
than  a  bishop. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Granted.     But  here  they  are. 

LUCIA 
Turn  them  away.     Read  the  Word. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[A  bit  irritated]  Yes,  yes;  I  have  read  it.  The 
theory  is  very  lovely.  It  has  affected  me  greatly;  I 
have  adopted  it  as  you  know.  But  here  I  have  these 
girls  legally  on  my  hands,  and  surely  you  wouldn't 
ask  me  to — * 


122  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

LUCIA 

You  should  be  glad  to  get  rid  of  them.  Such  a 
pack  of — of — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Now,  now,  I  must  really  forbid  you.  Paula,  of 
course,  is  open  to  a  certain  criticism,  at  least  aesthetic 
ally.  And  Caelestis  is  probably  no  stunner.  But 
among  the  others  there  are  certainly  a  number  who — 

LUCIA 

[Tearfully]  You  don't  love  me  in  the  proper 
Christian  way! 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  nonsense!  I  love  you  to  an  extreme  degree. 
[He  takes  up  and  kisses  her  hand]  My  affection  for 
you  is  really  colossal.  But  let  us  be  just.  Surely  it's 
absurd  to  say  that  all  of  them  are — well,  offensive. 
There  are  surely  exceptions. 

LUCIA 

[Resolutely]     Not  one. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  come  now.  For  example,  there  is  Dacia.  I 
haven't  seen  her  for  these  long  months,  but  I  remember 
her  quite  clearly  Surely  Dacia  has  a  certain  charm. 
She  is  young,  she  has  a  good  complexion,  she  sings 
very  acceptably,  and  she — 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  123 

LUCIA 

I  see  what  is  the  matter.  You  are  homesick  for  her 
and  her  kind.  For  her  and  the  old  infidel  life. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Not  at  all.  I  merely  remember  her.  That's  all. 
I  merely  remember.  A  toothsome  girl.  But  a  lady. 
Her  father  was  a  philosopher  in  Athens  .  .  .  she 
wasn't  in  that  crowd.  She  is  naturally  affectionate. 

LUCIA 

And  kissing  all  the  time,  I  suppose.  Never  a  mo 
ment  for  the  things  of  the  spirit.  Always  the  flesh. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  by  no  means.  I  really  wouldn't  have  permitted 
it.  I  quite  agree  with  you  there.  Such  things  may 
be  overdone.  At  my  age. 

LUCIA 
But  you  like  it,  don't  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Looking  at  her  sharply]  Yes — on  occasion. 
But  there  is  where  I  agree  with  y^ou:  that  is  the  precise 
reason  why  the  thing  should  be  limited.  [A  bit  wist 
fully]  If  one  kissed  too  much,  one  would  be  too 
happy.  And  that,  of  course,  wouldn't  do  at  all. 

LUCIA 
The  happiness  of  this  life  is  as  dust. 


124 HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Grudgingly]     So  you  tell  me. 

LUCIA 
The  happiness  to  come  is  eternal. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  I  hope  so.  But,  you  see,  my  trouble  is  old 
Paula's.  I  was  brought  up  wrong.  I  suppose  it  is  in 
curable.  I  notice,  at  times,  an  almost  irresistible  las- 
civiousness — what  you  call  worldliness.  [Amorously] 
When  I  see  you  there  in  your  nightie  I  forget  all  about 
Christianity  and  can  hardly  resist  the  temptation  to 
throw  my  arms  around  you  and  give  you  a  hug.  I 
know  it's  wrong,  but  there  it  is. 

LUCIA 

[Somewhat  shaken]  Well,  I  shouldn't  call  it  las- 
civiousness.  And  it  isn't  exactly  wrong. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Ironically]     No? 

LUCIA 
The  Scriptures  say — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Ah?  Then  let  us  be  glad  they  approve  it,  little 
pot-pie.  It  is  pleasant  to  be  virtuous — that  is,  more 
or  less. 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS  125 

LUCIA 

[Demurely  after  a  pause]  Do  you  want  to  kiss 
me? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  begins  slowly  to  take  off  his  tunic.     As  he  an 
swers,  it  is  over  his  head]      I  am  perfectly  willing. 
But,  I  warn  you,  I'm  not  going  to  stand  any  more 
Christian  kisses.     And  what's  more,  if  I'm  interrupted 
any  more  by  any  low-comedy  Palais  Royal  knocking 
on  that  dog-gone  door  just  as  I  am  on  the  point  of— 
[He  is  duly  cut  short  by  a  loud  knocking  on  the 
door.     He  tries  to  get  out  of  his  tunic  quickly, 
and  then,  thinking  better  of  it,  decides  to  let  it 
down  again] 

,  HELIOGABALUS 

[JP  rath  fully]  What  is  it  now?  [An  unintelligi 
ble  answer  from  without]  Hey?  [Another  mum 
ble]  I  can't  hear  you.  Come  in. 

[Enter  RUFINIUS.  He  stops  near  the  door  and 
glances  at  LUCIA  dubiously] 

RUFINIUS 

I  came  in,  Majesty,  to  report — 
[He  stops] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Coming  down  toward  RUFINIUS]  What!  I'm 
good  and  damn  sick  of  this  "I  came  in  to  report,  Maj 
esty,"  just  as  I'm  about  to —  What's  up?  More 
trouble? 


126 HELIQGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

RUFINIUS 

No,  Majesty.     The  ladies  are  all  asleep. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Hear,  hear!  And  he  "comes  in  to  report,  Maj 
esty"  just  as  Majesty  is  about  to— 

RUFINIUS 

The  Empress  Paula  is  breathing  very  heavily,  Maj 
esty.  The  doctors  are  trying  to  revive  her. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  a  sudden  rage}  What!  Revive  her!  Seven 
thousand  loud  damns.  Tell  them  to  give  her  another 
dose  of  the  same — give  them  another  dose  all  'round. 
Tell  those  quacks  that — the  infernal  boobies!  Off 
go  their  toes  if  a  single  patient  wakes — and  both  ears. 
Now  quick,  before  they  revive  her! 

[Pushes  RUFINIUS  toward  the  door] 

RUFINIUS 

As  you  order,  Majesty.  But  there  is  another  mat 
ter. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  is  it,  foul  fool? 

RUFINIUS 

Another  one  of  the  ladies  has  come  over  from  the 
North  Wing — Dacia. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Softening]  Ah,  Dacia!  What  does  she  want? 
Surely  she — 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  127 

RUFINIUS 

Oh,  not  at  all.  She  asked  me  to  inquire  how  her 
Majesty  is,  and  if  you  yourself  are  feeling  quite  well. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Ah,  very  thoughtful  of  her.  Tell  her  I  am  quite 
well.  And  don't  forget  to  thank  her.  Remember, 
Rufinius,  give  her  my  thanks. 

RUFINIUS 
[Going  to  the  door]     As  you  order,  Emperor. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Tell  her  not  to  neglect  her  music  lessons.  And — 
but  just  say  I  may  want  to  see  her  for  an  instant  to 
morrow — some  business — of  state — that  I  had  for 
gotten. 

RUFINIUS 

As  ordered,  Majesty. 
[He  goes  out] 

LUCIA 
You  are  still  thinking  of  that  heathen  Dacia. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Nonsense,  sweet  potato.  You  are  really  quite  ab 
surd.  [Suddenly  irritated]  Damn  it  all,  a  man 
must  be  polite. 

LUCIA 

[Jealously]  But  you  used  to  love  her  before  I 
converted  you  to  the  Faith. 


128  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Starting  to  take  off  his  tunic  again]  Ah,  who 
knows?  Love — what  is  it?  A  sort  of  optical  delu 
sion,  an  enchantment — almost  alcoholic. 

[He  gets  it  over  his  head,  and  stands  rubbing  his 
bare  arms  and  shoulders] 

LUCIA 
Love  comes  from  the  soul. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  even  the  soul  takes  a  hack  at  it. 
[He  starts  to  climb  into  the  small  bed] 

LUCIA 
[Loudly]     Where  are  you  going? 

HELIOGABALUS 

[His  leg  in  mid-air,  coaxing  in  baby-like  tone] 
Please!  I  don't  want  to  sleep  over  there — [indicat 
ing  the  big  bed] — in  Siberia.  It's  so  cold — and  when 
I  get  cold  it  always  gives  me  my  stomach-ache. 

LUCIA 
No !      One  must  not  think  of  the  flesh,  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  you're  my  wife,  aren't  you?  You  wouldn't 
have  me  freeze  to  death? 

LUCIA 

But  not  a  pagan  wife,     I  am  a  Christian  wife. 


ACT    II]      HELIQGABALUS 129 

HELIOGABALUS 

Well,  doesn't  a  Christian  wife  promise  to  cherish 
her  husband?  [Still  coaxing,  and  shivering] 
Please! 

LUCIA 

No. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Please,  please! 

LUCIA 

Again,  no,  Caesar. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[With  a  weary  sigh,  crawling  into  the  big  bed] 
Lucia,  I  can't  understand  you  or  this  Christianity 
either.  What's  the  idea  of  trying  to  make  people 
miserable  by  forbidding  them  to  do  what  they  want 
to,  and  then,  when  they're  unhappy  about  it,  telling 
them  they're  awfully  happy  but  don't  know  it? 

[LUCIA  rolls  over  and  does  not  reply.  HELIOGA 
BALUS  sighs] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Anyway,  I  don't  seem  to  get  used  to  this  going  to 
bed  sober.  [He  props  himself  up  in  bed,  and  ram 
bles  on  without  paying  much  heed  to  LUCIA]  Now, 
you  were  saying  that  love  is  of  the  soul.  But  see 
what  a  conclusion  it  brings  you  to:  then  even  old 
Paula  must  have  a  soul,  for  old  Paula  used  to  love 
me. 


130  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T   1 1 

LUCIA 
[Sleepily]      Paula,  too,  has  an  immortal  soul. 

HELIOGABALUS 

The  gods  forbid!  [Humorously]  But  what  of, 
er — what  of,  say  Dacia,  for  example? 

LUCIA 

[Yawning]     This  Dacia,  too,  has  a  soul. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Nobly  spoken.  And  much  better  news!  [Half 
dreamily]  But  what  is  this  so-called  soul  you  speak 
of?  Is  it  a  gas?  Has  it  got  length,  breadth,  thick 
ness?  Is  the  soul  in  the  body,  or  the  body  in  the 
soul?  When  I  used  to  cut  a  Christian  into  two  halves, 
which  half  was  the  soul  in?  Was  it  divided  too? 
Well,  then,  suppose  I  had  him  run  through  a  sausage 
cutter,  and  he  came  out,  say,  in  four  million  pieces: 
was  the  soul  in  four  million  pieces,  too?  You  say 
that  the  soul  re-enters  the  body  on  the  day  of  judgment. 
Well,  suppose  I  take  two  Jews  and  cut  off  their 
heads,  and  put  the  head  of  A  on  the  body  of  B,  and 
vice  versa.  Does  the  soul  of  A  go  into  the  body 
of  A  or  into  the  head  of  A,  which  is  on  the  body 
of  B?  If  it  goes  into  the  head,  is  it  responsible 
for  the  sins  of  the  body  of  B?  [He  reaches  over  and, 
slyly  watching  LUCIA  out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye,  pours 
out  a  goblet  of  the  brandy  which  the  doctors  have  left 
there,  slowly  sipping  it  with  much  lip-smacking  as  he 
goes  on]  Do  you  follow  me? 


ACT    II]      HELIOGABALUS  131 

LUCIA 

[Half  asleep}      Oh,  how  you  talk,  Caesar! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Talk?  Talking  is  my  trade,  little  icicle.  Talk  is 
the  heart's  blood  of  politics.  .  .  .  And  of  love.  I 
used  to  have  even  greater  skill  than  I  have  today.  He 
had  a  smooth  and  slippery  tongue,  had  Heliogabalus. 
Years  ago,  when  I  was  a  lieutenant  in  the  army,  I  used 
to — [sighs]  Well,  they  were  all  willing:  my  con 
science  is  perfectly  clear.  As  the  lawyers  say,  Caveat 
emptor.  When  a  girl  has  a  taste  for  epigrams  she 
must  be  careful:  a  man  of  my  wit  is  dangerous.  I'll 
never  forget  my  poor  dear  first  wife — good  old  Mar- 
cia.  It  was  an  epigram  that  made  her  fall  in  love 
with  me.  I  remember  the  circumstances  perfectly. 
She  was  complaining  that  love  was  beyond  her  com 
prehension — that  it  was  ineffable,  indescribable, 
transcendental.  "Love,"  /  replied,  with  droll  per 
spicacity.  "Love,"  I  replied,  "is  the  triumph  of  im 
agination  over  intelligence." 

[He  chuckles] 

LUCIA 
[Yawns  audibly,  and  turns  over] 

HELIOGABALUS 

You  interrupt  me,  cold  darling.  What  I  was  about 
to  say  is  that  poor  old  Marcia  laughed  so  hard  she 
rolled  clear  out  of  bed.  An  old  joke — as  old  as  the 
Babylonians.  But  fact!  You  should  have  heard  the 


132  HELIOGABALUS      [A  c  T    1 1 

bump  when  she  landed  on  her — [a  sidelong  glance] 
— her  upholstery.  I  had  to  haul  her  back  into  bed. 
[He  sips  again]  Ah,  love,  indeed!  A  short  preface 
to  a  long  book!  [He  pauses  and  waits  for  apprecia 
tion.  No  sound  comes  from  LUCIA.  He  goes  on  in  a 
slightly  louder  voice]  Love  is  like  war:  easy  to  be 
gin  but  very  hard  to  stop.  [Another  inquiring  glance 
at  LUCIA]  When  loves  dies  there  is  never  any  fu 
neral:  the  corpse  remains  in  the  house.  [Another] 
A  woman  in  love  is  less  modest  than  a  man:  she  has 
less  to  be  ashamed  of.  [A  longish  pause.  He  takes 
a  deep  draught]  Love  is  the  delusion  that  one  woman 
differs  from  another.  [LUCIA  is  still  silent.  He  lifts 
himself  to  his  elbow  and  regards  her  contemplatively. 
He  calls  her  softly]  Lucia!  Sweet  Lucia!  .  .  . 
Asleep!  [A  sigh]  Christianity  is  fatal  to  the — er — 
epigram.  How  Marcia  used  to  giggle!  And  little 
Dacia!  Dacia  has  a  sense  of  humour.  An  intelli 
gent  girl,  Dacia.  And  how  her  nose  puckers  when 
she  is  a  bit — squiffed.  Somehow,  I — [He  empties 
the  goblet  and  composes  himself.  The  regular  breath 
ing  of  LUCIA  can  be  heard]  This  Christianity  may  be 
all  right  in  the  daytime,  but  at  night — [Suddenly,  from 
somewhere  below  the  window  there  comes  the  soft,  low 
sound  of  a  girl's  voice,  raised  in  song.  It  is  a  song  of 
love  and  passion,  and  HELIOGABALUS  site  up  in  bed  to 
listen.  Toward  the  end  he  glances  at  LUCIA,  scarcely 
concealing  a  rising  aversion.  The  song  ended,  he  set 
tles  himself,  wets  his  lips,  and  smiles  amorously] 


ACT    1 1]      HELIOGABALUS  133 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  a  caressing  ivhisper]      Dacia! 


CURTAIN 


ACT  III 


ACT  III 

The  next  night. 

A  corridor  in  the  palace.  It  stretches  longitu 
dinally  across  the  stage  and  is  rather  narrow.  In  the 
wall  to  the  back  there  is  a  wide  and  high  arch,  cov 
ered  with  heavy  hangings  of  imperial  purple,  showing 
two  large  embroidered  H's,  with  wreaths  above  them, 
in  gold.  The  solid  wall  of  the  corridor,  seen  to  the 
two  sides  of  the  central  hangings,  is  of  coloured  mar 
ble.  The  hangings  conceal  the  state  banquet  hall, 
and  the  corridor  is  the  emperor's  means  of  getting  to 
the  latter  from  his  private  apartments.  All  decora 
tions  are  simple,  but  of  the  utmost  richness. 

During  the  whole  act,  down  to  the  last  scene,  sounds 
of  revelry  come  from  the  banquet  hall — laughter, 
music  and  the  clinking  of  goblets — now  faintly  and 
now  loudly. 

As  the  curtain  rises  PISO  and  POLORUS  enter,  fol 
lowed  by  a  slave  pushing  their  rolling  table  of  medi 
cines  and  instruments.  They  are  in  long  white  tunics, 
reaching  below  the  knees,  and  with  short  sleeves — the 
early  Roman  equivalent  of  modern  operating  gowns. 

PISO 
[To  the  slave]     Here,  Ambrose,  shove  it  to  this 

side. 

137 


138  HELIOGABALUS     [AcxIII 

[The  slave  runs  the  table  to  the  left,  halts  it  by  the 
back  wall,  and  exits] 

POLORUS 
[Officiously]     Where  is  the  headache  powder? 

PISO 

[Reaching  to  the  shelf  beneath  the  table,  he  brings 
up  a  huge  blue  bottle]  Here  you  are.  Do  you  think 
we  have  enough? 

POLORUS 

It's  enough  to  kill  them,  but  I  doubt  that  it's  enough 
to  cure  them,  once  they  get  started. 

PISO 

Well,  if  we  run  out  of  it,  we  can  give  them  some 
cholera  mixture.  They'll  never  know  the  difference. 

POLORUS 

[Busily  arranging  the  bottles]  All  this  does  me 
good,  my  boy.  It  makes  me  young  again. 

PISO 
Do  you  think  the  moral  movement  is  really  over? 

POLORUS 

If  it  isn't,  then  why  this  good  old-fashioned  ban 
quet?  Why  all  the  old  crowd?  Why  all  the  old 
girls?  I  suspect  that  Paula  arranged  the  whole  thing. 
Have  you  seen  the  list  of  guests? 

PISO 

No. 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  139 

POLORUS 

Well,  not  a  tank  is  missing.  Every  zinc-lined 
stomach  and  copper-plated  kidney  in  Rome  is  here. 
By  the  way,  have  we  got  enough  stomach-pumps? 

PISO 

[Indicating  them\     Here  are  six. 

POLORUS 

Maybe  that  will  be  enough.  [He  roots  among  the 
medicines]  I  have  a  feeling  that  this  will  finish  the 
Christian  wife.  She'll  never  stand  for  an  old-time 
banquet. 

PISO 

Then  let  us  thank  all  the  gods.  If  Christianity 
ever  actually  got  on  its  legs,  the  doctoring  business 
would  go  to  pot.  All  this  praying  and  fasting  and 
going  to  bed  at  ten  o'clock  is  fatal  to  pathology.  The 
aim  of  medicine  is  to  save  a  man  from  the  just  con 
sequences  of  his  own  vices.  If  he  gives  up  his  vices, 
then — 

POLORUS 

But  he  never  does.  All  he  ever  comes  to  is  the  ex 
change  of  one  vice  for  another.  This  praying  that 
you  mention  is  a  vice.  Fasting  is  a  vice.  Going  to 
bed  at  ten  o'clock  is  a  vice. 

PISO 

Maybe  so.  But  I  am  speaking  medically.  The 
medicine  that  we  studied  was  designed  for  certain 
ends.  It  supposes  the  existence  of  certain  vices. 


140  HELIQGABALUS     [Acx    III 

You  and  I  know,  for  example,  how  to  treat  a  man 
who  has  eaten  too  much  or  who  hasn't  had  sleep 
enough.  But  what  of  the  man  who  has  fasted,  and  at 
the  same  time  got  too  much  sleep?  There  you  stand 
medicine  on  its  head.  And  I  am  too  old  to  learn  it 
all  over  again. 

POLORUS 

[Argumentatively]  You  make  imaginary  difficul 
ties,  Dr.  Piso.  Simply  give  him  a  dose  of  salts,  say 
I,  and  trust  to  luck.  You  talk  as  if  a  physician  had  to 
cure  his  patient.  Nonsense.  All  he  has  to  do  is  to 
try  to  cure  him. 

PISO 

[Bridling]     Is  that  so?     Then  how  do  you— 
[He  is  cut  short  by  the  entrance  of  CAIUS  MACRINUS 
from  the  left.     CAIUS  lumbers  toward  PISO  and  is 
seen  to  be  already  far  gone  in  liquor] 

CAIUS 
Say,  Doctor — 

PISO 
Why,  Commander!     What  brings  you  here? 

CAIUS 

Ain't  this  the  night  of  the  banquet?  I  thought  this 
was  the  night  of  the  banquet.  If  this  ain't  the  night 
of  the  banquet,  then  I — 

PISO 
Of  course  it  is.     But  how  did  you  get  here? 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  141 

CAIUS 

Ain't  this  the  palace?  I  thought  this  was  the  pal 
ace.  I  saw  a  lot  of  girls  going  in  the  basement  and  so 
I  thought  it  was  the  palace. 

PISO 

So  it  is.  But  this  is  the  Emperor's  private  corridor. 
You  ought  to  have  gone  the  other  way,  through  the 
atrium. 

CAIUS 

Excuse  me,  gentleman.  I  apologize.  [He  at 
tempts  a  right-about-face]  Which  way  did  you  say? 
I  thought  I  was  in  the  palace.  I  saw  a  lot  of  cuties 
going  into  the  basement  and  so  I  thought  it  was  the 
palace.  [Suddenly  pulling  himself  up]  But  say, 
Doctor,  I  knew  I  wanted  to  see  you  about  something. 
You  are  Dr.  Piso,  ain't  you? 

PISO 
I  am  the  Dr.  Piso. 

CAIUS 

I  remember  you  that  time  I  had  that  carbuncle. 
Where  was  it?  Somewhere  in  Gaul.  My,  my! 
How  the  years  do  skip  along!  Here  it's  July  again— 
[He  pauses  uncertainly]  Is  it?  Is  it  July  again? 

PISO 

[Professionally]  You  say  you  desire  to  consult 
me,  Commander? 

CAIUS 
Doctor,  you  know  what  it  is — this  sea-faring  life. 


142  HELIOGABALUS     [Acx    III 

I  thought  my  legs  would  give  out  first.     But  it  turns 
out  to  be  my  stomach. 

PISO 
You  have  indigestion? 

CAIUS 

No,  sir!  I  can  digest  anything.  1  could  eat  an 
alligator.  Tail  and  all. 

PISO 

But— 

CAIUS 

[Looking    about    him    cautiously]     Shhhh!     I'm 
coming  to  it!     I  can  eat  anything,  but — but — 
[His  voice  quavers] 

PISO 
But  you're  not  what  you  used  to  be  at — 

CAIUS 

[He  nods  mournfully]  Half  a  dozen  bottles  of 
wine,  and  I'm  not  worth  a  damn.  The  fact  is,  I  am 
almost  a  teetotaler — practically.  I  hardly  drink  a 
thing — scarcely.  [He  sighs  boozily]  Think  of 
what's  ahead  of  me  tonight.  They're  all  here — the 
military,  the  judiciary,  the  Senate.  If  I  drink  with 
all  those  gold-fish,  then  I'll  be  laid  up  tomorrow,  and 
maybe  die.  And  if  I  don't  drink,  then  I  disgrace  the 
navy. 

PISO 

Too  bad.     But  maybe  I  can  help  you. 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  143 

CAIUS 

That's  what  I  was  getting  at,  Doctor.  I  remember, 
out  in  Asia  Minor,  how  those  slick  Persians  would 
take  a  hooch  of  something  or  other,  and  then  they 
were  ready  for  anything.  The  point  is,  what  was  it? 

PISO 

Olive  oil. 

POLORUS 
Ammonia. 

PISO 

Ammonia  your  uncle! 

POLORUS 

[Bitingly]  Yes,  ammonia  one's  uncle!  An 
ounce  in  a  glass  of  milk,  before  or  after. 

CAIUS 
Could  I  take  them  both? 

PISO 
Yes,  if  you  are  crazy. 

POLORUS 

Why  not?  The  ammonia  will  fix  him,  and  the  olive 
oil  won't  kill  him.  [Busying  himself  at  the  table} 
Let  us  mix  them. 

[He  pours  the  olive  oil  and  ammonia  into  a  beaker, 
and  starts  to  stir  the  mixture] 

CAIUS 
[Getting  affectionate  and  placing  his  arm  around 


144  HELIOGABALUS     [AcTlII 

POLORUS'  neck]     Oh,  Doctor!     Give  me  a  big  one! 
Don't  tease  me  with  a  pony! 

POLORUS 

This  is  the  regular  size  for  elephants  and  gladia 
tors.     Now — there  you  are — down  with  it! 

[He  hands  CAIUS  the  beaker.  CAIUS  downs  it  at  a 
fearful  gulp,  and  comes  up  spluttering  and  roll 
ing  his  eyes] 

CAIUS 
[Faintly]      Is  there  a  chaser? 

PISO 

No.     Let  it  alone.     The  fire  will  go  out  of  itself. 
[CAIUS  attempts  to  speak,  but  achieves  only  an  un 
intelligible  whisper] 

POLORUS 

[Elbowing  him  toward  the  left]     Go  out  in  the 
atrium,  Commander,  and  stick  your  head  in  the  pool. 
[CAIUS  again  attempts  to  speak,  but  cannot,  and 
waddles  off] 

PISO 
[Calling  after  him]     Don't  forget  the  professor! 

POLORUS 

[Coming  back]     That  old  soak  is  on  his  last  legs. 
Practically  a  teetotaler!     I  wonder  what  he — 

PISO 

[At  the  table]     Where  did  you  get  that  olive  oil? 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 145 

POLORUS 

Out  of  the  tall  yellow  bottle. 

PISO 

Well,  you  wasted  four  ounces  of  good  turpentine 
liniment. 

POLORUS 

[Examining  the  bottles]  Um,  it's  six  of  one  and 
half  a  dozen  of  the  other.  But  I  didn't  waste  any 
ammonia.  I  gave  him  ninety  per  cent,  alcohol. 

PISO 

What  are  the  odds?  I  once  cured  a  case  of  chil 
blains  with  a  couple  of  liver  pills. 

POLORUS 
You  ought  to  try  some  of  those  pills  on  the  Emperor. 

PISO 

Ought  to  try  them?  I  have  given  him  a  keg  of 
them. 

POLORUS 
Then  it's  no  wonder  7  can't  cure  him. 

PISO 

[Irascibly]  You?  Do  you  ever  cure  patients? 
Oh,  my  word!  It's  those  infernal  powders  of  yours 
that  counteract  the  pills.  No  wonder  he  gets  worse. 
I  can  never  give  him  enough  of  my  pills  to  catch  up 
with  your  powders.  If  you— 

[He  is  interrupted  by  the  sudden  appearance  of 


146  HELIOGABALUS     [Acx   III 

SIMON,  the  Christian  giant,  from  the  right. 
SIMON'S  eyes  are  staring,  and  he  is  evidently  la 
bouring  under  much  excitement} 

SIMON 

[In  a  sepulchral  voice]     God  be  with  you! 

PISO 

[Startled]     The    same    to    you,    Reverend.     But 
what  are  you  doing  here? 

SIMON 

[Mysteriously]     I  have  business  here. 

POLORUS 
Business  here?     Don't  you  know  what's  going  on? 

SIMON 

I  see  preparations  for  debauchery — sin — venery — 
the  devil's  work. 

PISO 

Not  so  loud,  old  schooner.     The  Emperor  is  giving 
this  banquet.     Remember  the  Espionage  Act. 

SIMON 

My  business  is  with  the  Emperor. 

POLORUS 

[Amazed  and  amused]      Surely  you  are  not  going 
to  the  banquet  yourself? 
[PISO  haw-haws] 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  147 

SIMON 

[Solemnly]     I  have  come  to — to — to — [He  hesi 
tates]     I  have  come  to — 

PISO 
You  have  come  to  look  them  over? 

POLORUS 

You  want  to  see  whether  the  girls  really  do  take  off 
their — 

SIMON 

[Cutting  in]     Girls?     Bah!     I  abhor  the  scarlet 
woman.     My  prayers  are  for  one  pure  woman,  for — 

PISO 

The  wife  Lucia! 

POLORUS 
[Nodding  his  head]     He's  mashed  on  her. 

SIMON 

[Indignantly]     I  am  old  enough  to  be  her  father. 

PISO 

Yes,  so  is  the  Emperor. 

SIMON 

Let  him  have   a   care!     Let  him   remember  the 
wrath  to  come. 

POLORUS 

What!     At  a  banquet? 

SIMON 

Even   at   a   banquet.     Even   amid    the   flesh-pots. 


348 HELIQGABALUS     [AcTJII 

Even  among  the  scarlet  women.     Let  him  remember 
his  lawful  wife.     I  hear  talk  that  is  terrible. 

PISO 

What  do  you  hear? 

SIMON 

That  he  plans  to  cast  her  off.  More,  that  he  plans 
to — murder  her. 

POLORUS 
[Glancing  about  him']     Oh,  I  say! 

SIMON 

Even  as  he  has  murdered  other  poor  women — trust 
ing  hearts — discarded  wives.      [Suddenly  infuriated] 
But  not  the  wife  Lucia!     The  moment  his  slaves  touch 
the  anointed  of  the  Lord — [He  draws  a  dagger]— 
that  moment  I  plunge  this  knife  into  his  heathen  heart! 

PISO 

[Nervously]  My  dear  sir,  calm  yourself.  This 
is  awful  talk.  I  positively  refuse  to  listen  to  any 
such  anarchism. 

SIMON 

I  shall  wait  here.  I  am  ready.  I  shall  serve  the 
Lord. 

POLORUS 

Suppose  you  let  me  have  that  knife.  I  am  more 
used  to  such  things.  You  are  a  clergyman.  It  may 
cut  you. 

[As  he  steps  forward,  there  are  noises  outside,  to 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  149 

the  left.  The  band  behind  the  curtain  strikes  up 
more  loudly,  and  presently  voices  call  "The  Em 
peror!  The  Emperor!"] 

SIMON 

[Flourishing  the  dagger]  Nay!  I  shall  wait 
here!  I  am  ready. 

[More  cries.  The  music  grows  louder.  PISO  and 
POLORUS  grow  increasingly  alarmed.  Cries  of 
"The  Emperor!  The  Emperor!"] 

PISO 
[In  a  panic]     What  are  we  to  do? 

POLORUS 
If  we  had  time  we  could  anesthetize  him. 

PISO 

Yes,  if  we  had  time  we  could  hypnotize  him.  But 
now? 

SIMON 
Pray  to  the  Lord! 

POLORUS 

Yes,  yes,  but  not  now.  Not  here.  I  never  miss  the 
Day  of  Atonement.  I  promised  my  old  mother.  [In 
full  demoralization,  to  PISO]  You  tackle  him. 

PISO 

[Panic-stricken,  to  SIMON]  Why  not  go  out  and 
take  a  little  walk  and  come  back  later? 


150  HELIOGABALUS     [Aci   III 

SIMON 

I  stay  here.  I  am  set  here  to  watch.  An  angel 
charged  me  to — 

[Shouts  of  "The  Emperor!"  very  near.  The 
music  grows  louder  still.  Cheers  behind  the 
hangings] 

POLORUS 

[Pushing  him  back  frantically]  But  you're  block 
ing  up  the  passage-way.  It  is  forbidden.  Surely 
you  don't  want  to  offend  the  Emperor. 

SIMON 

[Idiotically]     Not  unnecessarily. 

PISO 
Well,  then— 

POLORUS 

[Inspired]      Ah,  here! 

[He  shoves  SIMON  behind  the  hangings  at  the  ex 
treme  right,  where  they  overlap  the  back  wall] 

PISO 
[Greatly  relieved]     Whew! 

POLORUS 

[Coming  back]    Just  in  time!     [Suddenly  alarmed 
again]     But  suppose  he  jumps  out  and — 
[He  drops  his  voice] 

PISO 

[Resolutely]     Who? 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS 151 

POLORUS 

[In  surprise]      Who?     This  blamed — 
PISO 

/  didn't  see  anybody.     Did  you? 

POLORUS 
[With  a  relieved  wink]     No.     I  saw  no  one. 

PISO 
He  must  have  sneaked  in  during  the  day. 

POLORUS 

Maybe  the  wife  Lucia  let  him  in. 

[Cries  of  "The  Emperor!"  just  outside.  With  it  an 
unexpected  babble  of  women's  voices.  PISO  and 
POLORUS,  at  this  new  sound,  look  at  each  other 
in  sudden  astonishment  as  RUFINIUS  enters] 

RUFLMUS 

His  Imperial  Majesty! 

[RUFINIUS  is  followed  by  two  centurions.  PISO 
drops  to  one  knee  and  POLORUS  follows  suit. 
HELIOGABALUS  stalks  in  with  PAULA  hanging  to 
one  arm  and  C^ELESTIS  to  the  other.  Behind  the 
three,  crowded  closely,  are  ANNIA  FAUSTINA, 
AQUILIA  SEVERA,  and  three  or  four  other  wives. 
Last  of  all  comes  DACIA.  HELIOGABALUS  wears  a 
magnificent  toga  of  imperial  purple,  with  gold 
borders  very  heavily  embroidered,  and  a  wreath 
of  laurel.  He  moves  to  the  centre  of  the  stage 


152  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

without  a  word}  and  as  if  scarcely  conscious  of 
PAULA  and  C^ELESTIS.  A  murmur  of  confused 
speech  among  the  other  wives.  Obviously,  there 
has  been  an  encounter  outside.  PISO  and  PO- 
LORUS  get  to  their  feet,  and  move  off  discreetly 
toward  the  right,  pushing  their  wheeled  table 
ahead  of  them.  Presently  they  go  out.  RUFIN- 
lus  takes  station  at  the  side  of  the  archway  lead 
ing  into  the  banquet  hall,  directly  before  the 
place  where  SIMON  is  concealed.  The  centurions 
go  to  the  extreme  right,  and  stand  impassive. 
Throughout  this  scene,  sounds  of  revelry  come 
from  the  banquet  hall] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Suddenly  shaking  off  PAULA  and  C^LESTIS,  and 
swinging  'round  to  face  the  other  wives,  his  arms 
folded]  The  answer  is  Yes  and  No! 

PAULA 

[Melodramatically]     What ! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes  to  question  number  one;  no  to  question  number 
two. 

THE    OTHER   WIVES 

[Together]  Which  is  which?  ...  Do  we  come 
back?  .  .  .  What  can  he  mean?  .  .  .  Which  ques 
tion  is  number  one?  .  .  .  He's  going  to  put  her  out! 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  153 

PAULA 

[Authoritatively]  Silence!  Let  me  do  the  talk 
ing.  [To  HELIOGABALUS,  bravely  but  a  bit  uneasily] 
What  do  you  mean  .  .  .  darling? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Simply  this,  molasses  jar.  You  all  come  back — 
but  not  together. 

THE    OTHER   WIVES 

[In  a  babble,  as  before.  They  dont  quite  know 
whether  to  hail  the  news,  or  to  protest]  Oh,  we  come 
back!  .  .  .  But  what  does  that  mean?  ...  I  don't 
understand  it  at  all  ...  Do  you  mean — ? 

PAULA 

[Sharply]      Silence! 

[The  babble  is  cut  short  instantly.  A  momentary 
silence.  HELIOGABALUS  stands  with  his  arms 
folded.  The  wives  look  uneasy  and  a  bit  fool- 
ish] 

PAULA 

[To  HELIOGABALUS,  quaveringly]  You  are  not  go 
ing  to — ? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Carpenters  are  at  work  building  a  plain  double-bed. 
I  have  ordered  that  farm  taken  out  and  burned.  The 
double-bed  will  suffice  until — 

PAULA 

But  I  thought  we  were  to  come  back. 


154  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 
You  do — but  you  come  back  one  by  one. 

C^ELESTIS 

But  where  will  the  rest  of  us  sleep? 
HELIOGABALUS 

Where  you  have  been  sleeping — during  the  late 
revolution.  Sleep  wherever  you  please.  If  the  pal 
ace  isn't  big  enough,  I'll  have  barracks  built. 

PAULA 

[Maudlinly]  Oh,  my  poor  head!  I  can't  under 
stand  a  thing  he  says! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Let  me  explain.  The  old  system  had  its  advantages. 
I  was  used  to  it  and  strongly  approved  it.  But  the 
older  I  get,  the  more  I  learn.  At  ninety  or  a  hundred 
I  should  be  genuinely  wise.  One  thing  I  have  learned 
is  that  the  Christian  system,  too,  has — 

PAULA 

[Hysterically]  He's  deserting  us  for  that  street- 
woman  ! 

[The  other  wives  set  up  a  shrill  protest  of  "Ohs"] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Talking  them  down]  The  Christian  system,  too, 
has  its  advantages.  It  is  lonesome,  but  peaceful.  I 
sleep  better.  The  ventilation  is  better.  More  air. 
Fewer  breathing. 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 155 

PAULA 

I  protest  against  it  as  immoral!  We  are  your  law- 
ful- 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Sardonically]  Immoral?  Hah,  because  it's 
pleasant!  You,  too,  have  become  infected  by  this 
Christianity. 

PAULA 

Oh,  what  an  insult! 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  to  resume.  You  take  your  turns  one  by  one, 
quietly  and  in  order.  First,  let  us  say — well,  first 
one  of  you.  To  be  selected  by  me.  I  have  a  system 
worked  out.  Each  stays  on  until — until  I  feel  like 
a  change.  Then  the  next.  And  so  on. 

PAULA 

I  see  it  all.  It's  a  scheme  to  get  that  Christian 
hussy  in — and  then  keep  us  out! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Darkly,  rolling  his  eye  over  the  group  of  wives] 
The  Christian  girl  will  not  be  the  first.  She  must  take 
her  turn. 

C^LESTIS 

See!     She  remains.     What  did  I  tell  you? 
[  The  other  wives  babble] 

HELIOGABALUS 

If  you  are  my  lawful  wives,  then  she  is  my  lawful 


156  HELIOGABALUS     [AcxIII 

wife.     I  must  be  just.     As  Pontifex  Maximus  I  am 
the  incarnation  of  justice. 

PAULA 

I  am  against  justice  for  Christians! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Humorously]  Exactly.  There  is  always  some 
one  that  justice  doesn't  apply  to. 

C^ELESTIS 

You  might  take  her  in,  and  then  keep  her  a  year. 

HELIOGABALUS 

It's  theoretically  possible,  but  very  improbable. 
No,  my  inclination  to  the  Christian  system  has  its 
limits.  The  girl  must  take  her  turn.  I  must  suffer, 
say  once  a  year.  Where  is  she,  by  the  way? 

PAULA 
Praying  somewhere,  I  suppose. 

C^LESTIS 

[Maliciously]  Maybe  she  has  run  off  with  that 
old  bed-tick  of  an  evangelist. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  shall  ask  her  to  pray  for  you,  Caelestis. 

C^LESTIS 
[Horrified'}     Oh,  oh !     She'll  put  a  spell  on  me ! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Never   fear.      [Wearily]     I   have   tried   it.     Her 


Ac  Til  I]     HELIOGABALUS  157 

spells  are  nothing.  She  couldn't  even  cure  my  stom 
ach-ache.  .  .  .  And  now,  off  with  you.  I  have  im 
portant  business.  I  am  entertaining  the  Supreme 
Bench. 

PAULA 

[Defiantly]     It  is  your  duty  to  turn  her  out. 

C^LESTIS 

It  is  your  duty  to — 

ANOTHER   WIFE 

It  is  your  duty — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Irritably]  Duty!  Duty!  Always  my  duty! 
Well,  it  is  my  duty  to — 

PAULA 

Do  your  duty  and  you'll  be  happy. 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  fallacy,  my  dill  pickle.  Duty  may  make  a  man 
able  to  stand  a  thing,  but  it  never  makes  him  enjoy  it. 
Now  good-night. 

[He  shoos  them  toward  the  door,  left] 

PAULA 

I  object!     I  protest! 

[The  other  wives  begin  to  babble ,  joining  her  pro 
test] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Enough!     I  order  you — as  Emperor!      [They  grow 


158  HELIOGABALUS     [AcxIII 

silent  and  slink  away]  Disobey,  and — [They  start 
out,  HELIOGABALUS  following  them  toward  the  door] 
The  name  of  the  evening's  nominee  will  reach  you  in 
due  course. 

PAULA 

[At  the  door]     I — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Peremptorily]     Guards! 

[PAULA  runs  out,  and  the  others  crowd  after  her.' 
In  the  scuffle,  one  of  the  wives  is  pushed  to  one 
side,  and  finds  herself  inside  after  the  door 
bangs.  It  is  DACIA.  HELIOGABALUS,  turning 
back  toward  the  entrance  to  the  banquet-room, 
notices  her.  She  hasn't  said  a  word  during  the 
preceding  scene,  but  has  noticeably  hung  back. 
Now,  facing  the  Emperor,  she  is  suddenly  con 
fused,  and  turns  toward  the  door  in  alarm.  But 
he  halts  her] 

HELIOGABALUS 

What!     Little  Dacia!      [She  nods  shyly]      I  didn't 
notice  you.     I  didn't  hear  a  word  from  you. 

DACIA 

[Ingenuously]     I  didn't  say  anything. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Not  a  word  about  duty? 

DACIA 

No. 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS  159 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Elaborately  kissing  her  hand]      Thank  you. 

DACIA 
I  hope  you  are  feeling  much  better. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thank  you  again.  If  I  saw  more  of  you,  Dacia,  I'd 
soon  be  well.  [A  pause]  I  heard  you  singing  last 
night.  It  was  very  sweet  of  you. 

DACIA 

[Simply]      I  thought  you  might  like  me  to  do  it. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Now  thoroughly  interested]  Like  it?  I  loved  it! 
You  gave  me  pleasant  dreams.  I  dreamed  that  things 
were  as — as  they  used  to  be,  and  that — 

DACIA 

[Snuggling  into  his  arms]     Have  you  missed  me? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Enormously!  At  first  I  wondered  just  what  it  was 
I  missed  so  much,  but  then  I  knew.  It  was  my  little 
wifey.  [He  kisses  her  gently]  Now  she's  never  go 
ing  to  leave  me  again. 

DACL\ 

[With  all  the  art  of  the  cutie,  but  apparently  sim 
ply]  If  you  want  me. 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  want  you  every  minute.      [With  elaborate  tender- 


160  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

ness}  I  was  so  worried  about  you.  How  did  your 
cold  get?  Better?  You  are  sure  you  take  care  of 
yourself?  I  wish  you  would  stop  wearing  those  very 
thin  stockings.  [Feeling  of  her  frock]  And  this 
dress !  It's  like  a  night-gown. 

DACIA 

[Coyly,  burying  her  face  on  his  shoulder]  I  have 
a  new  night-gown. 

HELIOGABALUS 

When  am  I  to  see  it? 

DACIA 
You  never  notice  such  things. 

HELIOGABALUS 

What  nonsense.  Didn't  I  notice  the  pink  one — the 
one  you  worked  yourself — all  those  forget-me-nots? 

DACIA 

That  was  the  first  you  ever  saw. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Sentimentally]  I'll  never  forget  it.  Ah,  those 
days!  Those  happy,  happy  days! 

[During  all  this  scene  SIMON  has  occasionally 
peeped  out  from  behind  the  hangings,  his  eyes 
popping  as  HELIOGABALUS  grows  more  and  more 
ardent.  RUFINIUS  has  discreetly  turned  his  back 
and  the  centurions  are  far  to  the  right,  also  with 
their  backs  toward  the  centre.  All  the  while 
noisy  music  and  whoops  have  been  coming  from 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 161 

the  banquet-hall,  with  occasional  bursts  of  ap 
plause.  Now  and  then  a  definite  voice  may  be 
heard — probably  old  CAIUS'S] 

DACIA 
You  do  love  me,  don't  you? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Don't  you  know  it? 

DACIA 

I  think  so.     But  how  much? 

HELIOGABALUS 

That  much.  [An  enormous  kiss.  Then — HELIO 
GABALUS  straightens  up,  glances  at  the  banquet-room 
entrance,  and  gives  a  weary  sigh]  Well,  I  suppose  I 
must  go  in.  It's  really  important — a  very  serious  af 
fair — the  first  in  months.  You  know  why  there  has 
been  none.  I  made  a  lamentable  error.  I  hate 
bloodshed,  but  I  really  think  I'd  be  justified  in — 

[SIMON  peeps  from  behind  the  hangings,  his  eyes 
popping] 

DACIA 

But  I'll  see  you  soon? 

HELIOGABALUS 

I  should  surely  hope  so.  I  nominate  you  number 
one.  And  I'll  make  Paula  number  two,  so  there'll  be 
no  temptation  to — 

DACIA 

[Very  demurely]     You  won't  be  long? 


162  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

How  could  I  be  long?  [Kissing  her  briefly  again] 
And  don't  forget!  [He  whispers  to  her,  and,  as  if 
blushing,  she  hides  her  face  on  his  shoulder]  You 
understand? 

DACIA 

[Whispers]      I'll  be  there. 

HELIOGABALUS 

And  now — [Another  kiss]  Wear  that  pink  one. 
You  know.  Now  I  must — [A  sudden  idea]  But 
why  not  simply  stay?  How  idiotic  of  me  not  to  have 
thought  of  it!  You  can  sit  right  beside  me  as  you 
used  to  do.  I'll  get  away  all  the  sooner. 

DACIA 

But  it's  a  men's  party! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Pish!  You'd  be  welcome  at  any  men's  party. 
Just  watch  how  the  judiciary  gape  at  you! 

DACIA 
But  my  frock!     This  old  thing! 

HELIOGABALUS 

It's  perfect!  Those  old  rats  never  look  at  the 
clothes;  they  look  at  the  girl.  [He  takes  his  laurel 
wreath  from  his  head  and  puts  it  on  DACIA'S  head] 
There!  The  last  touch! 

[DACIA  1*5  still  doubtful  and  hangs  back  to  steal  a 
glance  at  herself  in  a  pocket-mirror,  but  HELIO- 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  163 

GABALUS  takes  her  arm  and  they  turn  toward  the 
entrance  to  the  banquet-hall.  RUFINIUS  claps  his 
hands,  trumpets  ring  out;  the  two  centurions  step 
forward  and  draw  back  the  hangings.  A  scene 
of  gaudy  splendour  is  revealed.  The  banquet- 
hall  reaches  to  the  back  of  the  stage,  with  a  floor 
three  steps  higher  than  that  of  the  corridor.  A 
superb  flash  of  colour.  There  is  a  huge  horse 
shoe  of  a  table,  very  low,  and  it  is  surrounded  by 
the  low  couches  on  which  the  Romans  reclined  at 
meals.  Around  the  horse-shoe  are  grouped  the 
guests — senators,  generals,  ambassadors,  judges 
and  other  magniflcoes — chiefly  elderly  and  griz 
zled  men.  CAIUS  is  to  the  left,  and  is  quickly 
seen  to  be  far  gone  in  liquor.  HELIOGABALUS' 
place  is  in  front  and  to  the  right,  so  that  when  he 
rises  to  speak  his  profile  is  toward  the  audience 
in  the  theatre.  In  the  centre  of  the  horse-shoe  is 
a  small  dancing  floor,  and  exactly  in  the  middle 
of  it  a  tall  fountain,  with  coloured  lights  playing 
upon  it.  The  walls  of  the  hall  are  richly  dec 
orated,  and  various  barbaric  banners  show  bril 
liant  patches  of  colour.  All  the  guests  are  in 
white  togas,  but  on  the  shoulder  of  every  one* 
there  is  some  coloured  badge  of  rank.  The 
musicians  are  far  to  the  rear  and  their  music  is 
heard  constantly,  save  when  HELIOGABALUS 
speaks.  They  play  strange,  levantine  tunes, 
sometimes  in  the  old  Greek  modes.  Translated 


164 HELIOGABALUS     [AcxIII 

into  modern  tones,  their  music  sounds  as  if  made 
by  two  violins,  a  'cello,  a  zither,  an  oboe  and  a 
snare-drum. 

As  the  hangings  go  back,  and  HELIOGABALUS,  with 
DACIA  07i  his  arm,  is  revealed  to  the  banqueters, 
there  is  a  sudden  silence.  Then  CAIUS  springs  to 
his  feet  and  shouts  "Vivat  Imperator!"  and  the 
whole  assemblage  rises.  The  old  boys  stand  un 
steadily  as  he  mounts  the  three  steps  and  moves 
toward  his  place — it  is  evident  that  they  have 
been  dining  very  well.  There  is  no  cheer,  but 
the  chord  of  C  major  is  sounded  loudly  by  the 
musicians.  This  cuts  off  the  dance  that  has  been 
in  progress.  The  dancer,  half -naked,  pauses  ir 
resolutely  for  a  second,  and  then,  full  of  stage- 
fright,  leaps  off  the  dancing  floor,  plunges 
through  the  standing  guests  to  the  left,  and  dis 
appears.  The  guests  all  crane  their  necks  to  see 
DACIA] 

CAIUS 

[Turning  tipsily  as  the  dancer  makes  off}     Hey, 
there! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Taking  his  place,  with  DACIA  beside  him']     Let  us 
sit. 

[The  guests  settle  down,  some  gracefully  enough, 
but  others  ivith  much  difficulty.  They  all  con 
tinue  to  steal  stares  at  DACIA] 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 165 

CAIUS 

[Rising  unsteadily]  Majesty,  the  dancer  took  to 
the  woods.  I  feel  I  ought  to  apologize. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Genially]  Maybe  something  struck  her  suddenly 
— conscience,  or  gallstones,  or  something. 

CAIUS 

Oh,  no.  I've  known  that  little  one  for  years — 
sound  as  a  gladiator.  Maybe — [He  winks]  I'd  bet 
ter  go  and — and — 

[He  rises  wobblingly] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Cutting  in]     And  fetch  her? 

CAIUS 

That's  it — and  fetch  her. 

[He  winks  elaborately  again  and  wobbles  off,  stum 
bling  once  or  twice  over  his  toga] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Rising  in  his  best  imperial  manner.  As  he  gets 
to  his  legs  the  musicians  repeat  the  massive  chord  of 
C  major]  Gentlemen,  my  apologies  for  my  tardiness. 
The  fact  is,  I  didn't  know  until  the  last  minute  if  my 
health  would  permit  me  to  join  you.  I  was  brought 
here  on  a  litter,  attended  by  two  physicians.  They 
are  out  in  the  ante-chamber  at  this  moment,  mixing 
pills.  [With  the  sudden  malignancy  of  the  dyspep 
tic]  I  shall  take,  say,  5,000  more  pills.  Then  we'll 


166  HELIOGABALUS     [AcTlII 

see  how  far  a  doctor's  neck  can  stretch — a  curious 
scientific  experiment — vivisection,  so  to  speak.  [Re 
covering  his  former  manner]  But  this  is  no  talk  for 
a  banquet.  If  I  told  you  my  symptoms  you  would 
fall  into  faints,  with  screams  of  horror.  [One  of  the 
guests  struggles  to  his  feet  and  makes  as  if  to  speak] 
Yes,  Senator,  I  have  tried  that  Armenian  lithia  water. 
I  don't  doubt  it  cured  your  ringing  in  the  ears,  but  it 
has  only  made  my  stomach-ache  worse.  No  more 
water!  I  have  got  down  enough  water  of  late  to 
float  Caius'  whole  fleet.  To  the  sewers  with  water! 
What  have  we  here?  [He  lifts  up  a  goblet  and  sniffs 
at  it]  Aha!  Good  red  Terentum!  Gentlemen,  I 
pledge  you! 

[The   whole   assemblage   rises,   goblets    in   hand. 

Slaves  elbow  in  with  fresh  jars  of  wine,  placing 

them  upon  the  table] 

VARIOUS    GUESTS 

Vivat  Imperator!     Vivat  Elegabalus! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Gentlemen,  let  us  all  drink  to  Rome,  the  one  per 
fect  and  immortal  Empire — the  model  and  despair  of 
other  states — the  mother  of  justice — the  guardian  of 
civilization!  Rome  cannot  die!  Rome  forever! 

GUESTS 

Rome  forever! 

[They  drink  stupendous  drafts,  some  of  them  com 
ing  up  quite  out  of  breath 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  167 

[HELIOGABALUS  sits  down,  and  offers  a  sip  from  his 
goblet  to  DACIA.  As  the  others  tumble  into  their 
places,  there  is  a  turmoil  to  the  left,  and  CAIUS' 
voice  is  heard] 

CAIUS 

[In  a  hoarse  voice,  without]  Oh,  come  on,  dearie! 
Don't  be  afraid! 

[The  guests  snicker] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Rising  so  that  he  can  see]      Bring  her  in,  Cams. 

[CAIUS  comes  in  with  an  almost  naked  dancing-girl. 
She  is  coal-black  and  very  much  abashed.  The 
guests  whoop  and  roar  as  they  see  her] 

CAIUS 

This  is  a  different  one,  Majesty.  I  couldn't  find 
the  other  one.  I  hunted  high  and  low.  [Again  he 
winks  elaborately]  This  one  is  an  Egyptian — her 
name  is  Irene.  I  take  a  fatherly  interest  in  this  one. 

A  GUEST 
Dear  old  papa! 

ANOTHER  GUEST 

[Mimicking  a  baby]     Da-da!     Da-da! 

HELIOGABALUS 

She  seems  bashful. 

CAIUS 

Just  a  little.  Ain't  used  to  dancing  before  ladies. 
[An  elaborate  and  idiotic  bow  to  DACIA]  She  has 


168 HELIOGABALUS     [Ac  T    III 

her  instructions:  no  rough  stuff.     Perhaps  her  Maj 
esty — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Let  her  display  her  art.  This  is  a  different  "Her 
Majesty." 

CAIUS 

[Very  drunk]  Profound  apologies.  My  error. 
No  offence,  Majesty,  I  assure  you.  My  eyes — astig 
matism — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Now  then! 

[The  music  starts  with  a  crash,  and  the  dancer  leaps 
into  a  wild  dance.  At  first  the  guests  regard  her 
stolidly,  but  in  a  few  seconds  some  of  them  begin 
to  rise  to  see  her  better] 

CAIUS 

[Rising]  This  is  nothing,  Majesty.  This  is  just 
the  start. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Very  interesting.  Has  the  dance  any  significance? 
Is  it  symbolical? 

CAIUS 

I  should  say  it  is.  If  you  understand  it,  it  brings 
tears  to  your  eyes.  Very  affecting,  indeed.  I'll  ex 
plain  it.  You  observe  that  sort  of  flop-flop  of  the 
arms?  Well,  that  signifies — [The  music  drowns  him 
out.  To  the  musicians,  over  his  shoulder]  Not  so 
loud,  professor.  Where  do  you  think  you  are? 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 169 

[The  music  grows  soft.  The  dancing  girl  now 
launches  into  a  series  of  amazing  wriggles ,  oc 
casionally  leaping  into  the  air.  CAIUS,  very  sol 
emnly  and  unsteadily,  explains  as  she  goes  on. 
HELIOGABALUS,  while  this  is  in  progress,  sips  his 
wine,  and  gradually  grows  very  mellow  in 
humour.  Now  and  then  he  laughs  and  claps  his 
hands] 

CAIUS 

Her  dark  complexion,  gentlemen,  signifies  death. 
Wash  them,  and  they  are  almost  white.  People  think 
Egyptians  are  niggers — all  a  mistake.  I  knew  a  girl 
in  Memphis — her  name  was  Saidee — almost  as  white 
as  anybody.  [The  girl  begins  to  shed  veils]  There 
it  is,  plain  enough.  The  man  is  dying.  Casting  off 
this  mortal  coil.  Dying  by  inches.  First  his  feet, 
then  his  arms,  then  his  stomach,  then  his  lungs,  then 
his — and  so  on.  [The  girl  squats,  and  wriggles 
about]  Death  struggles.  Poor  fellow  doesn't  want 
to  go.  Thinks  he  is  too  young.  [She  leaps  into  the 
air]  Last  gasp.  You  can  almost  hear  it.  [She  be 
gins  to  whirl]  Getting  dizzy.  Scared.  Sends  for 
the  priest.  [The  music  slackens  a  bit]  Prayers. 
[Louder  and  faster  again]  Too  late.  It's  all  up. 
[A  wild  leaping  about]  Throw  out  the  reverend  and 
send  for  the  embalmers.  [She  leaps  into  the  foun 
tain]  The  soul  takes  flight.  [She  is  now  almost 
naked.  The  water  plays  upon  her]  Nothing  left  but 
the  body.  Hardly  a  stitch  on.  Have  to  strip  'em,  of 


170 HELIQGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

course,  to  pickle  'em.  Very  interesting  process. 
They  keep  for  ever.  [  The  girl  now  launches  into  her 
final  cavortings]  This  shows  the  soul  in  the  Egyptian 
heaven.  Very  subtle  symbolism.  Every  wriggle 
means  something.  I  remember — 

[During  this  last  speech,  LUCIA  has  quietly  slipped 
into  the  fore-scene,  from  the  door  to  the  right. 
RUFINIUS,  of  course,  observes  her  at  once,  and  is 
visibly  startled  and  alarmed.  But  those  in  the 
banquet-hall,  at  first,  do  not  see  her.  HELIO- 
GABALUS  and  DACIA  are  watching  the  dancer,  and 
chuckling  over  CAIUS'  exposition.  The  guests, 
with  veil  after  veil  coming  off,  see  nothing  else. 
It  is  CAIUS  whose  eyes  first  take  her  in.  He 
halts,  glances  swiftly  at  HELIOGABALUS,  and  then 
at  LUCIA  again.  But  before  his  eyes  are  fol 
lowed  by  HELIOGABALUS,  LUCIA  has  spoken] 

LUCIA 

[In  round,  resonant  tones']     For  shame! 

[HELIOGABALUS  has  been  lolling  with  his  arm 
around  DACIA.  The  words  electrify  him.  He 
leaps  to  his  feet,  and  stands  there  for  a  second  as 
if  thunderstruck  and  speechless] 

LUCIA 

[Her  arms  folded,  standing  firmly,  as  if  defying  the 
universe  to  move  her]      For  shame! 

[The  music  stops  and  the  dancer  collapses.  CAIUS 
grasps  the  table  unsteadily.  A  dozen  other 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS 171 

guests  leap  to  their  feet.     There  is  a  dead  si 
lence] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Taking  a  step  forward]     Hell! 

LUCIA 

You  may  well  say  hell.  There  is  nothing  in  hell 
itself— 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Conciliatingly,  coming  down  the  steps]  Now, 
now,  my  dear.  Really,  you  must — 

LUCIA 
Don't  touch  me,  Beelzebub! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Oh,  I  say,  darling!  [He  is  patently  nonplussed. 
He  turns  'round  to  his  guests]  Gentlemen—  [4 
deprecating,  apologetic  gesture]  You  will  pardon 
me.  My  stomach,  unluckily — 

[He  comes  down  to  the  corridor  floor,  and  the  two 
centurions  siviftly  and  discreetly  draw  the  hang 
ings.  In  doing  so  they  accidentally  uncover  a 
corner  of  SIMON,  but  it  is  only  for  an  instant, 
and  they  dont  notice  it.  Neither  does  RUFINIUS, 
who  has  retired  to  the  right.  DACIA  has  come  out 
with  HELIOGABALUS,  but  she  slips  quietly  to  the 
left  and  stands  against  the  wall,  silent  during  the 
ensuing  scene] 

LUCIA 
[Oratorically]     For  less  than  this  the  flames  con- 


172  HELIOGABALUS     [ACT   III 

sumed    Sodom    and    Gomorrah!     That   woman   was 
naked ! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Weakly]  But  she  was  a  coloured  woman,  my 
dear.  Didn't  you  notice? 

LUCIA 

This  infamy  must  end!  A  scarlet  woman  naked 
before  you — and  a  scarlet  woman  in  your  arms! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[A  sudden  change  of  manner]  A  what  in  my 
arms? 

LUCIA 

A  scarlet  woman! 

[It  takes  a  moment  for  the  charge  to  soak  in,  but 
when  it  does  HELIOGABALUS  1*5  completely 
changed.  No  more  conciliation.  He  is  furi 
ously  angry  and  shows  it] 

HELIOGABALUS 

A  scarlet  woman?  That  "scarlet  woman"  is  my 
wife! 

LUCIA 

[Still  resolutely,  but  somewhat  alarmed  by  his 
rage]  I  am  your  wife.  Your  one  wife. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Are  you?  Well,  that  is  something  to  be  remedied. 
That  is  a  curable  disease.  A  "scarlet  woman"! 
Think  of  it! 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS  173 

LUCIA 

[Now  beginning  to  realize  that  she  has  gone  too 
far}  You  would  put  me  away? 

HELIOGABALUS 

Either  you  put  that  crazy  Christian  balderdash 
away,  or  I  put  you  away.  Once  and  for  all  time,  I 
have  got  enough  of  it.  I  am  Emperor  here,  and  I 
must  live  like  an  Emperor,  not  like  a  slave.  This 
praying  shakes  my  nerves;  water  has  given  me  a  ter 
rible  stomach-ache;  I  have  chills  at  night. 

LUCIA 

[Rather  weakly]     The  Word- 

HELIOGABALUS 

Maybe,  but  not  for  me!  Damn  water!  Damn  the 
Christian  style  of  kissing!  Damn  going  to  bed  at  ten 
o'clock!  Damn — 

LUCIA 

[Her  hands  over  her  ears]  Get  thee  behind  me, 
Satan! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Satan!  So  Dacia  is  a  scarlet  woman,  and  I  am 
Satan!  And  I  thought  I  was  Emperor  of  Rome! 
[Wildly,  showing  that  there  was  wine  in  his  goblet] 
For  less  than  this,  I  have — 

[His  fists  clenched,  he  pauses] 

LUCIA 
You  can't  harm  me.     The  Lord  is  with  me. 


174 HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

HELIOGABALUS 

[This  last  defiance  determines  him]  Oh,  is  he? 
Then  we'll  see  what  he'll  do  for  you  when  the  alligators 
begin  to  sniff  you.  Guards! 

[As  the  centurions  spring  forward,  LUCIA  screams] 

LUCIA 

[In  great  terror]     Would  you  kill  me? 
[But  before  the  centurions  can  reach  her  or  HELIO 
GABALUS  can  reply,  SIMON  leaps  from  behind  the 
hangings,  his  dagger  drawn] 

SIMON 

Stop,  tyrant! 

[HELIOGABALUS  steps  back,  startled,  and  for  an  in 
stant  the  centurions  hesitate  in  alarm] 

LUCIA 
Help  me,  Simon! 

SIMON 

Lay  a  hand  on  this  maiden  and  I'll — 
[He  flourishes  the  dagger  and  makes  at  HELIOGA 
BALUS,  but  by  this  time  the  centurions  have  re 
covered  their  heads,  and  are  immediately  upon 
him.  RUFINIUS,  from  the  right,  also  leaps  to  the 
rescue,  and  in  two  seconds  SIMON  1*5  pinned  from 
behind  and  his  dagger  is  on  the  floor.  DACIA, 
during  all  this,  has  screamed  once  or  twice,  but 
has  not  moved  from  her  place.  Sounds  of  music 
come  from  behind  the  hangings,  and  shouts  of 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS  175 

laughter — loud  enough  to  show  that  the  ban 
queters  are  very  drunk,  and  do  not  hear  the 
commotion  in  front} 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  SIMON]      So  there  you  are! 

SIMON 

[Almost  incoherently]  Murderer!  You  would 
send  your  lawful  wife  to  the  lions!  Pagan! 
Heathen!  [Rolling  his  eyes  upward]  0  Lord, 
watch  over  Thy  servant!  0  Lord,  send  Thy  light 
nings  to  blast  this  heretic! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Bosh!  Save  all  that  0  Lord  business  until  you 
need  it  more.  It  won't  be  long.  [To  RUFINIUS] 
Take  this  man  to  the  circus,  and  have  him  chained — 
arm,  leg  and  neck.  There  will  be  orders  about  him 
tomorrow  morning.  I'll  want  the  iron  stake  and  a 
couple  of  barrels  of  whale-oil. 

[LUCIA  screams  and  rushes  toward  HELIOGABALUS 
supplicatingly,  but  SIMON  drops  on  his  knees  in 
ecstasy.  It  gradually  appears  that  he  welcomes 
death — that  he  craves  martyrdom] 

SIMON 

[His  eyes  rolling]  0  Lord,  I  thank  Thee!  To  die 
in  Thy  name!  Lord,  I  thank  Thee  for  this  boon! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Astonished]     What! 


176  HELIOGABALUS     [Ac  T    III 

LUCIA 

I  am  to  blame,  not  he.     Let  me — 

SIMON 

[Still  happy]  0  Lord,  I  thank  Thee  for  this  boon 
— this  martyrdom!  I  thank  Thee! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Silence!     What  is  the  idiot  doing? 

LUCIA 
He  is  happy  that  he  may  die  for  the  Faith. 

HELIOGABALUS 

The  Faith?  What  has  the  Faith  to  do  with  it?  He 
is  to  die  for  an  attempt  at  assault  and  battery. 

LUCIA 
It  is  all  one. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Do  you  mean  to  say  that  murder  is  a  part  of  Chris 
tianity? 

LUCIA 

No,  but  martyrdom  is. 

SIMON 

[To  the  centurions  and  RUFINIUS]  Brothers,  let  us 
pray.  Let  me  pray  for  you. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Never  in  the  world !  I  have  heard  enough  praying 
to  last  me  for  ever.  [To  LUCIA,  still  not  quite  able  to 
comprehend  it]  So  he  actually  wants  to  be  burned? 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  177 

LUCIA 

[Preachily]     He  thirsts  for  paradise. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Humorously]  Solomons,  I  guess!  Well,  I'm 
surely  not  going  to  accommodate  him.  [To  SIMON] 
Get  up.  [To  RUFINIUS  and  the  centurions']  Let 
him  go.  [To  SIMON]  You  are  reprieved. 

SIMON 
[Blubbering}      Caesar,  I — 

HELIOGABALUS 

Silence!  I  say  you  are  reprieved.  You  are  not 
going  to  get  to  paradise  if  /  can  help  it.  [To  the  cen 
turions]  Take  him  out,  give  him  a  good  cowhiding, 
and  run  him  out  of  town.  [To  SIMON]  If  you  ever 
come  back,  off  goes  your  Adam's  apple.  And  I'll 
slice  your  nose  flat  with  your  face.  Bear  that  in 
mind. 

LUCIA 

[Heroically]     If  he  goes,  then  /  go  too. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Overjoyed  by  the  news,  he  is  momentarily  speech 
less;  then — ]  Oh,  surely  not!  You  don't  mean  to 
say  that  you — 

LUCIA 

Then  I  go  too! 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  that's  really  too  much!      [Bracing  up  percepti- 


178  HELIOGABALUS     [A  c  T    1 1 1 

bly]     It's  really  more  than  I  deserve,  fair  goose 
berry! 

LUCIA 

[Rising  to  eloquence]  I  turn  my  back  on  Nine 
veh.  Out  there  in  the  West — [her  arms  flung  wide 
toward  the  audience] — there  is  my  work.  There  I 
shall  preach  the  Word.  Far  from  these  Roman  cities 
and  the  sins  of  men.  There  lies  the  future  harvest  of 
the  Lord. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Appraising  the  audience.  Somewhat  doubtfully] 
Um — well — I  wish  you  luck.  [Eagerly]  But  could 
you  get  ready  in  time?  You  see,  Simon  is  leaving  at 
once. 

LUCIA 

I  go  with  him. 

HELIOGABALUS 

But  your  clothes?  It  will  take  you  some  time  to 
pack. 

LUCIA 

The  Lord's  work  is  not  done  in  fine  raiment.  As  I 
am,  so  shall  I  preach  the  Word. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[  Very  eager  to  get  her  off]  Nobly  spoken.  If  you 
need  any  money — 

LUCIA 
I  want  no  money.     I  shall  pray  for  you. 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  179 

HELIOGABALUS 

[In  alarm]  But  surely  not  here.  This  is  no  place 
for  prayer.  [Indicating  the  banquet-room]  It's 
really  rather  too — er — riotous,  isn't  it?  Pray  for  me 
after  you  get  started.  Pray  for  me  out  there— 
[pointing  in  the  direction  of  the  audience] — in  the 
West. 

LUCIA 

I  shall  pray  for  you  every  day  and  every  night. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Yes,  yes — every  night — out  there — [again  point 
ing] — in  the  West.  And  now  I  must  get  back  to  my 
guests.  The  centurions  will  see  you  off.  I  surely 
wish  you  every  sort  of  luck.  Let  me  hear  from  you 
now  and  then.  Let  me  hear  how  your  enterprise 
comes  on.  I'll  send  word  that  you  are  to  be  pro 
tected.  A  happy  journey. 

LUCIA 

Fare  you  well!     May  the  Lord  keep  you! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thanks.  Are  you  sure  you  don't  need  more 
clothes? 

LUCIA 

I  need  no  worldly  goods.  My  Faith,  the  Lord,  are 
enough! 

HELIOGABALUS 

So  you  said.     Well,  then,  good-bye  and  good  luck! 


180  HELIOGABALUS     [AcTlII 

If  you  ever  get  into  difficulties,  don't  hesitate  to  write 
to  me.  Simply  "The  Emperor,  Rome,"  will  reach 
me. 

LUCIA 
[Going}      The  Lord  be  with  you. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thank  you. 

LUCIA 
The  Lord  forgive  you! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thank  you. 

LUCIA 
The  Lord  bless  you! 

HELIOGABALUS 

Thank  you! 

[She  goes  out  slowly,  and  RUFINIUS  and  the  centur 
ions  follow  with  SIMON] 

SIMON 
[At  the  door]     I  suffer  for  the  Faith.     I — 

HELIOGABALUS 

[To  RUFINIUS]      Omit  the  cowhiding. 

[As  they  go  out,  HELIOGABALUS  turns  back  alone. 
DACIA  has  been  concealed  by  the  opened  door  at 
the  left.  HELIOGABALUS,  observing  SIMON'S  dag 
ger  on  the  floor,  picks  it  up  and  looks  at  it  re 
flectively.  He  runs  his  hands  along  the  blade. 
He  applies  the  point  to  his  breast.  He  tries  the 


ACT    III]     HELIOGABALUS  181 

effect  of  the  cold  steel  on  his  throat.  Loud  music 
from  within,  and  a  great  crash.  Laughter  and 
applause] 

DACIA 

[Stepping  forward,  somewhat  alarmed  by  his  toy 
ing  with  the  knife]  Be  careful! 

HELIOGABALUS 

[He  gives  a  start  and  turns  quickly]  There  you 
are!  And  I  was  wondering  what  had  become  of  you! 

DACIA 
I  was  here  all  the  while. 

HELIOGABALUS 

Here? 

DACIA 

Over  in  the  corner.  [Snuggling  close  to  him]  I 
was  awfully  scared. 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Now  grandly  brave]  Don't  let  it  worry  you, 
tender  baby.  It's  the  trade  risk.  If  this  stomach 
ache  of  mine  fetches  me,  or  those  quacks  poison  me 
with  their  pills,  I'll  be  the  first  Roman  Emperor  to 
die  in  bed  for  two  hundred  years.  [Amorously] 
But  we  don't  want  to  think  of  such  things,  do  we? 
It  was  worth  risking  my  life  to  get  rid  of  that  theolo 
gian. 

DACIA 

[Coyly]     I  thought  you — liked  her. 


182  HELIOGABALUS     [Acx    III 

HELIOGABALUS 

Bah!  I  work  so  hard  that  sometimes  my  mind 
wanders.  Then  there  is  my  stomach-ache.  I 
thought  she  could  cure  it  with  that  Christian  magic 
of  hers — that  praying,  and  0  Lording,  and  so  on. 
But  it  didn't  work. 

DACIA 

Poor  dear!  And  now  you  have  to  go  back  to  the 
awful  banquet.  [Yells  from  ivithin] 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Tenderly]     Do  you  want  me  to  go  back? 

DACIA 
I?     What  have  I  to  do  with  it? 

HELIOGABALUS 

You  have  everything  to  do  with  it.  Do  you  want 
me  to? 

DACIA 

[Half  a  whisper]     No. 

[There  ensues  a  long  kiss.     The  arm  of  coincidence 

provides  a  dreamy  tune  from  the  band  behind 

the  hangings'] 

HELIOGABALUS 

Let  us  cut  the  banquet!  To  hell  with  the  banquet! 
What  do  you  say? 

DACIA 
[Like  a  naughty  child]     To  hell  with  the  banquet! 


ACT    II  I]     HELIOGABALUS  183 

HELIOGABALUS 

[Half  to  himself]  Imagine  that  Christian — [tak 
ing  her  arm}  Come  on!  [They  sneak  half-way 
across  the  stage.  His  eyes  feast  upon  her.  He  halts 
a  moment]  What  wonderful  hair! 

[They  tiptoe  off  like  truants  as 

THE  CURTAIN  FALLS 


THE  END 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

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NOV8-1966  35 

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